COME DIE WITH MEComedy murder mystery play
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CHARACTERSList of "Come die with me" characters.
Petunia Pleasence – Air Hostess
Blossom Oveur – Air Hostess Captain Clarence Oveur - Pilot Roger Dunne – Flight Engineer Candice Carpenter – Air Hostess Cocaine Jepson – Drug Smuggler Jack Hammer – Trainee Airport Announcer Inspector Grey (can be the Captain in disguise) |
COME DIE WITH ME PLAY SYNOPSIS
Cast: 4 male and 3 female parts. The Inspector can be an extra person or can double up from the murdered person. Also opportunity to introduce a couple of younger (teens) females with some small adaptions to the come die with me script.
Come die with me takes place at the arrival/departure lounge of chirpychirpycheapcheap.com, a budget airline company at a local airport.
Blossom & Petunia, experienced air hostesses and check-in ladies are on hand to greet passengers. Blossom’s husband is one of the Pilots who has been having an affair with another stewardess and there have been some drug smuggling dealings going on as well.
The Captain is found squashed to death under the front wheel of his plane, and arguments ensue as to whether this was an accident or murder. Inspector Grey, on secondment from the French Police is called in to try and solve the mystery.
After his investigations he calls upon the rest of the passengers (the audience) to help out with his investigation.
Plenty of light hearted comedy moments in this play, that is great fun to perform and requires minimum set-up.
Come die with me takes place at the arrival/departure lounge of chirpychirpycheapcheap.com, a budget airline company at a local airport.
Blossom & Petunia, experienced air hostesses and check-in ladies are on hand to greet passengers. Blossom’s husband is one of the Pilots who has been having an affair with another stewardess and there have been some drug smuggling dealings going on as well.
The Captain is found squashed to death under the front wheel of his plane, and arguments ensue as to whether this was an accident or murder. Inspector Grey, on secondment from the French Police is called in to try and solve the mystery.
After his investigations he calls upon the rest of the passengers (the audience) to help out with his investigation.
Plenty of light hearted comedy moments in this play, that is great fun to perform and requires minimum set-up.
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COME DINE WITH ME SAMPLE SCRIPT - CLICK ON BOX BELOW
TO READ CHARACTER PROFILES AND SAMPLE SCRIPT FOR COME DINE WITH ME BY CHRIS SHELSTONE
Come Die With Me SAMPLE SCRIPT
COME DIE WITH ME CHARACTER PROFILES AND SAMPLE SCRIPT
Captain Clarence Oveur
Went to Grove junior school and Linden secondary school with Blossom and Cocaine Jepson. The 3 of them used to hang around together. Blossom and Clarence became teenage lovers and married as soon as they were legally able. He always wanted to be an airline pilot, so went on to college and qualified with BA. It was on one of his long-haul flights and overnight stops to Thailand that he met Peter in a bar. They chatted and became friends. Peter eventually confided in him that he wanted a full sex change. It was at that point Clarence distanced himself from Peter as he didn't agree with what he was doing.
His marriage with Blossom had its ups and downs, especially as Clarence had a string of affairs with air hostesses, and Blossom threatened to leave him on number of occasions. He always finished the affair when the novelty wore off, and besides, she was well provided for on the salary he was on. He joined chirpychirpycheapcheap.com on its inception and was involved in the hiring and firing of staff. He has a major shareholding in the company.
Blossom Oveur
Went to Grove junior school and Linden secondary school with Clarence and Cocaine Jepson. She fell in love with Clarence and they married as soon as they could. She always had a soft spot for Jepson though, and although they lost contact, she tracked him down about 5 years ago when she was getting tired of her husband’s affairs, and they secretly met whilst Clarence was away and they grew close. If he was having his bit of fun, why couldn't she? When Petunia joined the airline, they became good friends and went on girl’s night outs. She had no idea that Petunia used to be Peter.
Petunia Pleasence
Born Peter, but in his teens realised that he had the feelings of a woman. His parents could not accept the fact that Peter really wanted to be Petunia, especially when he started to dress like her, so he ran off and got himself a job in Thailand working in a bar. He always had an interest in aircraft and whilst in Thailand took flying lessons and studied for his commercial licence. He struggled between a career as a male pilot or to become a woman. It was in Thailand that he first encountered Clarence, and they met up whenever Clarence was on a long-haul flight in the area. Peter eventually confided in Clarence of his desire to have a full sex change operation and it was then that Clarence decided to distance himself from Peter, and they parted company. Peter went ahead and eventually came back to the UK as Petunia and created a false history as she didn't want anyone to know that she grew up in a man's body. She kept herself fit by regularly going to the gym working out.
Petunia joined the airline - in fact, it was Clarence who interviewed her. She didn't know that he was involved in starting up the company, but he didn't show any sign of recognition, so took the job. It was always what she wanted to do. When Clarence hinted that he knew her secret, she couldn't risk being exposed, so staged his death. She pulled the chocks from the plane and released the planes brakes crushing Clarence to death when he was checking the under-carriage. She then carried him over to the baggage area. When Candice let the secret out, she planned to murder her as well, but the police arrived too soon.
Cocaine Jepson
Jepson went to school with Blossom and Clarence and were good friends. He had a keen interest in rock music and at 16 used to play in local pubs after school. He was spotted by an entertainment’s manager, and soon hit the big time with a string of hits and toured all over the world with his band. He was upset when Blossom and Clarence got together, as he always had feelings for Blossom, but never had the courage to tell her his feelings. It was when Blossom contacted him after several years out of the blue that their relationship developed and they became lovers. He always knew that Blossom and Clarence would never split up permanently, so was happy to see her from time to time when his busy schedule and Clarence's overseas flights allowed.
Candice Carpenter
Candice is an experienced air hostess and has been with a number of airlines over the years. She is an only child and her parents didn't really support her in her chosen career. She left home at an early age and made her own way in life. She has a reputation for being aloof and bossy and does not get on sociably with her other workmates. Candice thinks she is better than Blossom and Petunia and holds them in contempt. She has anger issues, and has been in trouble with the police in the past over domestic incidents with previous boyfriends. One or two have ended up in hospital with fractures. She prefers older men and fell for smooth-talking Clarence whilst on flight duties. They would often spend overnight stays together in Glasgow before the return flight the following day.
Roger Dunne
Roger trained to be a flight engineer with British Airways which is where he met Clarence. When Clarence helped to set up chirpychirpycheapcheap.com he asked Roger to join him. It would give him the experience of being in a more responsible position. Roger soon found out about his affairs with other women, and the drug supply and threatened to talk to the owners stating unprofessional and criminal behaviour. Clarence couldn't have his reputation tarnished so decided to end Roger's contract.
COME DIE WITH ME SAMPLE SCRIPT
Blossom & Petunia are checking passengers in, and are on hand to make their introductions to everyone at the arrival/departure lounge of
chirpychirpycheapcheap.com - the only airline at (local town) newly developed international airport. They are situated in the central area of the hall at a desk. posters are displayed around the room advertising the airline. On stage, is work experience Jack who has been learning the ropes as announcer and air traffic controller.
There are some sound effects in the background - aircraft noises, humorous pre-recorded announcements etc. Petunia & Blossom have strong regional accents.
Petunia: Hello everyone - welcome to the arrivals and departure lounge of (local town) International Airport. We represent Britain's newest and cheapest airline - chirpychirpycheapcheap.com. My name is Petunia and my colleague Blossom & I will be your check in personnel this evening and we will also be your stewardesses on board our flight to Glasgow. We pride ourselves on being one big family on hand to help you enjoy our flying experience. Say hello Blossom.
Blossom: Hello every..... (she is quickly cut short by Petunia)
Petunia: Thank you Blossom. It's our job to make yourself feel welcome and at home whilst your aircraft is being prepared.
Jack: It's not even arrived yet.
Petunia: Excuse me - did I ask you to speak? Well did I? (Jack shakes his head). I do apologies Ladies and Gentlemen - that's Jack. In his final year at University and with us for some work experience. He's on announcements at the moment and getting far too big for his boots - they've told him he can work on traffic control later.
Blossom: Heaven Forbid.
Petunia: Don't worry - you will all be in Glasgow on schedule. Now, where were we?
Blossom: It's our job to make yourself feel welcome and at home whilst your aircraft is being prepared.
Petunia: Yes, I’ve said all that.
Jack: It’s not even arrived yet.
Petunia: I’m warning you sunshine. These University students think they know it all.
Blossom: There is something you’ve forgotten.
Petunia: Oh, what’s that then?
Blossom: The date today?
Petunia: What about the date today?
Jack: (starts singing) Happy Birthday To You, Happy Birthday To You.
Petunia: Oh yes - It's my Birthday today.
Blossom: Happy Birthday pet - are we going out later for a drink? I fancy another one of those - you know - penis coladas. I think I'll have a large one this time - oh - almost forgot here's a pressie for you. (gets a present from under the counter)
Petunia: Ah thank you Blo - you didn't have to bother - how time flies - 38 already.
Blossom: You what?
Jack: She said she's 38 already"!
Blossom: Yee Gods Pet - have you been in the sun a lot?
Petunia: I beg your Pardon?
Jack: (loudly) She said have you been in the sun a lot?
Petunia: Right, let me get him. (goes towards Jack)
Blossom: Leave him be Petunia – come and open your pressie.
Petunia: Ok. But I haven’t finished with you Jack Hammer. Thank you Blossom - Oh let's see what it is. (opens present) Oh Face Cream - thank you.
Blossom: Yes - it's that new Oil of Olay one - You know the Spanish cream. You apply it at night, and in the morning, it's filled in all your cracks. You're getting quite a few now, so I've bought a subscription package for you - 12 months’ supply.
Petunia: Thank you Blossom.
Blossom: What else have you got?
Petunia: Well I thought I'd treat myself to a you know - a er Boob job. I'll have to do it in stages though - I'll get one done this month and the other when I've saved up a bit more. I'm aiming for the Katie Price look.
Blossom: More like the Asda Price look if you ask me. You're getting obsessive with these operations. How many have you had done now? Nose Job, Bum job, Hip Job - where do you get all the money from? Doing Bob a Job in your spare time?
Petunia: I like to pride myself on my appearance.
Blossom: Yes well - you certainly look as if you work out by the feel of those biceps (pointing finger) - or have you had a job done on those as well?
Petunia: Just keeping fit in the Gym. That’s enough about me – we are neglecting our passengers. Now as I was saying, (referring to the passengers again) we pride ourselves on being one big family at chirpychirpycheapcheap.com, so it's time to tell you about our other team members. Who have we got Blossom?
Blossom: Well there's my Clarence the Captain.
Petunia: Captain Clarence Oveur of course. Blossom and Clarence were at school together weren't you Blo?
Blossom: Yes we......
Petunia: And became childhood sweethearts didn't you Blossom?
Blossom: Yes we......
Petunia: Married as soon as they could - didn't you Blo?
Blossom: Yes we....
Petunia: And stayed married all this time. How many years is it now?
Blossom: (Softly) 43.
Petunia: I'm sorry Blo I didn't catch that.
Jack: She said 43.
Blossom: Thanks Jack.
Jack: Blossom - I’m working on my Uni project about marriage. Can you tell me what you believe is the secret of a long and happy marriage with the same person?
Blossom: There's only one secret to a happy marriage - and as soon as I find it I'll get married again! No seriously, I can tell you my secret ingredient. We take time to go out to a restaurant twice a week regular like. Ah yes. A little candlelight, nice dinner, soft music and perhaps a bit of dancing. (reflects) He goes Tuesdays, and I go Fridays.
Petunia: Are things still not right between you two then Blossom?
Blossom: You can say that again. Do you know we even sleep in separate beds now. Mine's in (local town) and his is in (town further away). He's a waste of space. Never does anything around the house. I have to do everything. Better off without him. But don't let me put you off marriage Jack.
Petunia: Anyway (trying to pass it off and addressing the passengers) Clarence - Captain Oveur, Blossom's other half, is our Chief Pilot here at chirpychirpycheapcheap.com and will be flying you to Glasgow today. And with him will be Roger - Roger Dunne - Flight Engineer - nice man. Not been with us for long but already making a good impression. He's on his probationary period still and hoping to make the grade.
Blossom: We also have a VIP arriving at the airport lounge soon. Yes, Cocaine Jepson the famous rock star from the 60's, 70's 80's 90's and still going strong.
Petunia: You were at school with him weren't you BLO?
Blossom: That's right - Me and Jeps & Clarence all used to hang out together. Haven't seen him in years.
Petunia: Well I think that's everyone.
Blossom: What about what's her face?
Petunia: You mean...
Blossom: (sarcastically) Simply the best – Candice.
Petunia: Yes - Candice is our other air Hostess on the Glasgow flight. She will take over here while we look after you on the outbound flight. We don't really get on with her do we Blossom?
Blossom: No we don't - bit up herself if you ask me - think she knows it all. Too bossy for my liking.
Petunia: Anyway the least said about her the better. Have you advised all our Passengers that there is now a key required for the toilet on board and that a charge of £3 is required to obtain the key?
Blossom: (to passengers) I'd go now if I were you.
Sfx of plane approaching in the background.
Jack: Ground Control to Flight CCC666 - that's Charlie Charlie Charlie 666. Do you read? Over.
Cpt Oveur: (speaking off-stage – from the plane) Of course I can read.
This is Captain Oveur Over
Jack: Captain Over Over?
Cpt Oveur: Yes Captain Oveur. Over
Jack: Are your instruments ok Captain Over Over?
Cpt Oveur: One or two are not showing correct readings, so just in case I have switched off Auto Pilot and changed to Manual. Over.
Jack: Manual Over?
Cpt Oveur: Yes manual, Copy? I have to set my approach now so I'll hand you over to Flight Engineer Roger Dunne. Over.
Jack: Ok Over Over.
Roger: Hello, Roger Dunne here. Over.
Jack: I believe the captain wants a manual copied - is that correct Roger Over.
Roger: No, my name is Roger Dunne. The Captain is Captain Oveur. Over.
Jack: Ok Roger Over.
Roger: Roger Dunne. (getting annoyed) I don't know about the manual but if the Captain wants it then I expect it needs doing. Copy that. Roger. Over.
Petunia: Everything ok Jack?
Jack: I think so yes - he wants a photo copy of the plane's manual I think. Anyway, I can see the plane on screen now - Ladies and gentlemen your attention please. Chirpychirpycheapcheap.com flight CCC666 from Glasgow is just arriving at gate 1......gate .2.......gate 3......gate 4.
Sfx of plane landing in the background.
Petunia: Erm..Whilst we are waiting for the turnaround of the plane we will provide you with some free chirpychirpycheapcheap.com entertainment - won't we Blossom?
Blossom: Yes Pet
Petunia: This is our theme song and will feature in our new TV add, and can be found on you tube, and can be downloaded from the iTunes store. Here we go - I'll count you in Blossom - Join in the chorus everyone. Cue backing track Jack.
Song – Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep
Captain Oveur enters with flight engineer Roger Dunne and Candice.
Charlie the auto pilot is tucked under his arm.
Cpt Oveur: (passing over Charlie) Here Candice - Charlie the auto Pilot needs checking out - I think he's feeling a bit deflated.
Candice: Yes Clarence – I mean Captain Oveur. Here Petunia, sort this please.
Petunia takes Charlie and hides it under the desk.
Cpt Oveur: Evening all - bit of bumpy landing there, but we'll get the instrument panel and Charlie sorted out, and everything will be as right as rain. How is everyone? Hi Jack. (acknowledging Jack)
An extra person can be used here – perhaps one of the backstage crew enters wearing a security jacket.
Security: Ok everyone - Freeze. I'll alert armed response unit - give me an update on the Hijack situation.
Cpt Oveur: No, you idiot - there is no hijack situation. Stand down.
Security: Oh - ok – sorry.
Security guard exits.
Cpt Oveur: Now then. Everything Ok at this end? We are aiming for a quick turnaround so we will soon have everyone here on board.
Candice: Can I Introduce you to the passengers Cpt Oveur?
Blossom & Petunia are making faces in the background.
Cpt Oveur: Of course you can Candice. The floor is yours.
Candice: Ladies and Gentlemen, I would formally like to introduce you to your Captain & Flight Engineer who will be flying you safely to Glasgow this evening. Captain Clarence Oveur & Flight Engineer Roger Dunne.
Jack: (pointing to them both) Ha - I've just got it - they're Oveur Dunne.
Roger: Yes, very funny Jack. Just to let everyone know, we have a famous celebrity due to be travelling with us on our flight back to Glasgow.
Candice has been checking her mobile for messages.
Candice: Yes, Cocaine Jepson will be..
Blossom: I’ve already advised our passengers Candice.
Candice: Yes, thank you Blossom, but I was going to say that I have just received a message that he is making his way from the VIP lounge to see us all here before boarding.
Cocaine Jepson makes an entrance. An extra person or 2 could be following acting as reporters taking notes and photographs. Jack leaves his station with an autograph book to approach him. Blossom & Petunia approach as well to greet him.
Cpt Oveur: Well look who it isn't - my old mate Jepson. Hi Jeppers - what gig are you playing at next?
Cocaine Jepson: Hi Clarence. Long time no see.. How are you man? They've asked me to open the Loch Lomond festival tomorrow.
Cpt Oveur: Of course you are.
Cocaine Jepson: (brushes off his followers and approaches Cpt Over) Have you got the stuff?
Cpt Oveur: Yes ok - keep your voice down - look I don't know
I long I can keep this up. I could easily get into trouble over this.
They move further away from the other so as not to be heard.
Cocaine Jepson: Now look here Pal - you promised me you could get a regular supply for this stuff, and I'm giving you good money for it. You won’t back out of this deal.
Cpt Oveur: You don't scare me Jepson. You may have been the biggest bully at school but that doesn't cut any ice these days. I could easily expose the real extent of your habit on hard drugs.
Cocaine Jepson: Do that Pal and you're dropping yourself right in it. Don't forget who is supplying the drugs in this relationship.
Cpt Oveur: I don't give a damn. I'm out and that's that. I'm not afraid of you anymore.
Cocaine Jepson: Oh Yeah - we'll see about that. You're not gonna get away with this Oveur.
Cpt Oveur: (walking away) Go to hell.
Jepson goes back to his reporters and Blossom/Petunia/Jack. Candice approaches Cpt Over.
Candice: Everything ok Clarence?
Cpt Oveur: Yes - just sorting out Bully Boy Jepson.
Candice: So, have you decided yet? About telling sour puss over there about you and me?
Cpt Oveur: Keep your voice down.
Blossom: (over hearing) I heard that. What's going on then?
Candice: You may as well know. Clarence and I are now in a relationship. He's had enough of someone old enough to be in a care home. He prefers someone younger, more attractive like me.
Blossom: What? You're young enough to be his daughter! Little Miss Fur Coat & No Knickers. You should be ashamed of yourself picking on an old man. Oh I've heard about you young lady - go for anything in trousers. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Candice: We love each other. Don’t we Clarence.
Blossom: Love? Love? You don't know the meaning of the word. Infatuation more like - and you. (turning on Clarence) You good for nothing little squirt. How could you? With Her!! You're old enough to be her Father. That's it. You've not heard the last of this. You mark my words.
Blossom goes to Petunia for comfort.
Cpt Oveur: (Summoning up enough courage) We're finished you and me. All that ranting and raving. I've had enough of it. That's all you do. If you're not yelling at me, you're nagging at me. Well you're not getting away with it anymore. We're through. Oh and by the way - I know about your secret meetings with Cocaine Jepson over there. Oh yes, how long as it been going on Jepson? Having a secret affair with my Wife. What's up? Cats got your tongues?
Cocaine Jepson: That's a lie. You don’t know what you’re saying.
Cpt Oveur: Come on. I know what's been going on.
Blossom: You're talking rubbish - why would you say such a thing?
Petunia: How could you? You evil little womaniser. Look what a state she's in now.
Cpt Oveur: Oh don't you start. I know your little secret. Or should I say big secret. Shall I tell everyone?
Candice: Oh yes - I've been waiting for this one. Go on Clarence.
Blossom: What's maggot face talking about Pet?
Petunia: I've no idea (Petunia faces up to Clarence and grabs both his nipples, twisting them – he is on tiptoe and in pain and squirming.) Now listen here you lump of dirt. I suggest you get out of here - now. You're upsetting everyone as well as Blossom here.(she lets go, much to his relief)
Blossom: Oh don't worry about me. I've seen it all before. This isn't the first time he's been knocking around with someone less than half his age. He always comes running back though. When the novelty wears off. That's all you are chuck - a novelty.
Candice: Clarence?
Cpt Oveur: Don't listen to her Candice.
Petunia: It's true you know - Blossom has told me some right tales I can tell you. And if you want some proof - I have some names and contact numbers in my little diary book that I've been checking on. All you gotta do is call.
Candice: I don't believe this - you said you were in the process of leaving that cow. I knew you wouldn't go through with it. All those promises you made. Wanting to set up home together - nice little pad in Cleveleys (or local town). You’re all the bloody same.
Cpt Oveur: No wait – they’re both trying to wind you up - I meant it.
Candice: I knew it - you'll never leave Blossom. I was just your bit on the side. A bit of fun to keep you occupied whilst away from home. Well I'll tell you sunshine you've picked the wrong girl to have a bit of fun with. Nobody messes with me do you hear? Nobody.
Cpt Oveur: Don't get shirty with me you jumped up little tart.
Candice slaps Clarence across the face and storms out.
Blossom: Told you so. Off you pop.
Captain Clarence Oveur
Went to Grove junior school and Linden secondary school with Blossom and Cocaine Jepson. The 3 of them used to hang around together. Blossom and Clarence became teenage lovers and married as soon as they were legally able. He always wanted to be an airline pilot, so went on to college and qualified with BA. It was on one of his long-haul flights and overnight stops to Thailand that he met Peter in a bar. They chatted and became friends. Peter eventually confided in him that he wanted a full sex change. It was at that point Clarence distanced himself from Peter as he didn't agree with what he was doing.
His marriage with Blossom had its ups and downs, especially as Clarence had a string of affairs with air hostesses, and Blossom threatened to leave him on number of occasions. He always finished the affair when the novelty wore off, and besides, she was well provided for on the salary he was on. He joined chirpychirpycheapcheap.com on its inception and was involved in the hiring and firing of staff. He has a major shareholding in the company.
Blossom Oveur
Went to Grove junior school and Linden secondary school with Clarence and Cocaine Jepson. She fell in love with Clarence and they married as soon as they could. She always had a soft spot for Jepson though, and although they lost contact, she tracked him down about 5 years ago when she was getting tired of her husband’s affairs, and they secretly met whilst Clarence was away and they grew close. If he was having his bit of fun, why couldn't she? When Petunia joined the airline, they became good friends and went on girl’s night outs. She had no idea that Petunia used to be Peter.
Petunia Pleasence
Born Peter, but in his teens realised that he had the feelings of a woman. His parents could not accept the fact that Peter really wanted to be Petunia, especially when he started to dress like her, so he ran off and got himself a job in Thailand working in a bar. He always had an interest in aircraft and whilst in Thailand took flying lessons and studied for his commercial licence. He struggled between a career as a male pilot or to become a woman. It was in Thailand that he first encountered Clarence, and they met up whenever Clarence was on a long-haul flight in the area. Peter eventually confided in Clarence of his desire to have a full sex change operation and it was then that Clarence decided to distance himself from Peter, and they parted company. Peter went ahead and eventually came back to the UK as Petunia and created a false history as she didn't want anyone to know that she grew up in a man's body. She kept herself fit by regularly going to the gym working out.
Petunia joined the airline - in fact, it was Clarence who interviewed her. She didn't know that he was involved in starting up the company, but he didn't show any sign of recognition, so took the job. It was always what she wanted to do. When Clarence hinted that he knew her secret, she couldn't risk being exposed, so staged his death. She pulled the chocks from the plane and released the planes brakes crushing Clarence to death when he was checking the under-carriage. She then carried him over to the baggage area. When Candice let the secret out, she planned to murder her as well, but the police arrived too soon.
Cocaine Jepson
Jepson went to school with Blossom and Clarence and were good friends. He had a keen interest in rock music and at 16 used to play in local pubs after school. He was spotted by an entertainment’s manager, and soon hit the big time with a string of hits and toured all over the world with his band. He was upset when Blossom and Clarence got together, as he always had feelings for Blossom, but never had the courage to tell her his feelings. It was when Blossom contacted him after several years out of the blue that their relationship developed and they became lovers. He always knew that Blossom and Clarence would never split up permanently, so was happy to see her from time to time when his busy schedule and Clarence's overseas flights allowed.
Candice Carpenter
Candice is an experienced air hostess and has been with a number of airlines over the years. She is an only child and her parents didn't really support her in her chosen career. She left home at an early age and made her own way in life. She has a reputation for being aloof and bossy and does not get on sociably with her other workmates. Candice thinks she is better than Blossom and Petunia and holds them in contempt. She has anger issues, and has been in trouble with the police in the past over domestic incidents with previous boyfriends. One or two have ended up in hospital with fractures. She prefers older men and fell for smooth-talking Clarence whilst on flight duties. They would often spend overnight stays together in Glasgow before the return flight the following day.
Roger Dunne
Roger trained to be a flight engineer with British Airways which is where he met Clarence. When Clarence helped to set up chirpychirpycheapcheap.com he asked Roger to join him. It would give him the experience of being in a more responsible position. Roger soon found out about his affairs with other women, and the drug supply and threatened to talk to the owners stating unprofessional and criminal behaviour. Clarence couldn't have his reputation tarnished so decided to end Roger's contract.
COME DIE WITH ME SAMPLE SCRIPT
Blossom & Petunia are checking passengers in, and are on hand to make their introductions to everyone at the arrival/departure lounge of
chirpychirpycheapcheap.com - the only airline at (local town) newly developed international airport. They are situated in the central area of the hall at a desk. posters are displayed around the room advertising the airline. On stage, is work experience Jack who has been learning the ropes as announcer and air traffic controller.
There are some sound effects in the background - aircraft noises, humorous pre-recorded announcements etc. Petunia & Blossom have strong regional accents.
Petunia: Hello everyone - welcome to the arrivals and departure lounge of (local town) International Airport. We represent Britain's newest and cheapest airline - chirpychirpycheapcheap.com. My name is Petunia and my colleague Blossom & I will be your check in personnel this evening and we will also be your stewardesses on board our flight to Glasgow. We pride ourselves on being one big family on hand to help you enjoy our flying experience. Say hello Blossom.
Blossom: Hello every..... (she is quickly cut short by Petunia)
Petunia: Thank you Blossom. It's our job to make yourself feel welcome and at home whilst your aircraft is being prepared.
Jack: It's not even arrived yet.
Petunia: Excuse me - did I ask you to speak? Well did I? (Jack shakes his head). I do apologies Ladies and Gentlemen - that's Jack. In his final year at University and with us for some work experience. He's on announcements at the moment and getting far too big for his boots - they've told him he can work on traffic control later.
Blossom: Heaven Forbid.
Petunia: Don't worry - you will all be in Glasgow on schedule. Now, where were we?
Blossom: It's our job to make yourself feel welcome and at home whilst your aircraft is being prepared.
Petunia: Yes, I’ve said all that.
Jack: It’s not even arrived yet.
Petunia: I’m warning you sunshine. These University students think they know it all.
Blossom: There is something you’ve forgotten.
Petunia: Oh, what’s that then?
Blossom: The date today?
Petunia: What about the date today?
Jack: (starts singing) Happy Birthday To You, Happy Birthday To You.
Petunia: Oh yes - It's my Birthday today.
Blossom: Happy Birthday pet - are we going out later for a drink? I fancy another one of those - you know - penis coladas. I think I'll have a large one this time - oh - almost forgot here's a pressie for you. (gets a present from under the counter)
Petunia: Ah thank you Blo - you didn't have to bother - how time flies - 38 already.
Blossom: You what?
Jack: She said she's 38 already"!
Blossom: Yee Gods Pet - have you been in the sun a lot?
Petunia: I beg your Pardon?
Jack: (loudly) She said have you been in the sun a lot?
Petunia: Right, let me get him. (goes towards Jack)
Blossom: Leave him be Petunia – come and open your pressie.
Petunia: Ok. But I haven’t finished with you Jack Hammer. Thank you Blossom - Oh let's see what it is. (opens present) Oh Face Cream - thank you.
Blossom: Yes - it's that new Oil of Olay one - You know the Spanish cream. You apply it at night, and in the morning, it's filled in all your cracks. You're getting quite a few now, so I've bought a subscription package for you - 12 months’ supply.
Petunia: Thank you Blossom.
Blossom: What else have you got?
Petunia: Well I thought I'd treat myself to a you know - a er Boob job. I'll have to do it in stages though - I'll get one done this month and the other when I've saved up a bit more. I'm aiming for the Katie Price look.
Blossom: More like the Asda Price look if you ask me. You're getting obsessive with these operations. How many have you had done now? Nose Job, Bum job, Hip Job - where do you get all the money from? Doing Bob a Job in your spare time?
Petunia: I like to pride myself on my appearance.
Blossom: Yes well - you certainly look as if you work out by the feel of those biceps (pointing finger) - or have you had a job done on those as well?
Petunia: Just keeping fit in the Gym. That’s enough about me – we are neglecting our passengers. Now as I was saying, (referring to the passengers again) we pride ourselves on being one big family at chirpychirpycheapcheap.com, so it's time to tell you about our other team members. Who have we got Blossom?
Blossom: Well there's my Clarence the Captain.
Petunia: Captain Clarence Oveur of course. Blossom and Clarence were at school together weren't you Blo?
Blossom: Yes we......
Petunia: And became childhood sweethearts didn't you Blossom?
Blossom: Yes we......
Petunia: Married as soon as they could - didn't you Blo?
Blossom: Yes we....
Petunia: And stayed married all this time. How many years is it now?
Blossom: (Softly) 43.
Petunia: I'm sorry Blo I didn't catch that.
Jack: She said 43.
Blossom: Thanks Jack.
Jack: Blossom - I’m working on my Uni project about marriage. Can you tell me what you believe is the secret of a long and happy marriage with the same person?
Blossom: There's only one secret to a happy marriage - and as soon as I find it I'll get married again! No seriously, I can tell you my secret ingredient. We take time to go out to a restaurant twice a week regular like. Ah yes. A little candlelight, nice dinner, soft music and perhaps a bit of dancing. (reflects) He goes Tuesdays, and I go Fridays.
Petunia: Are things still not right between you two then Blossom?
Blossom: You can say that again. Do you know we even sleep in separate beds now. Mine's in (local town) and his is in (town further away). He's a waste of space. Never does anything around the house. I have to do everything. Better off without him. But don't let me put you off marriage Jack.
Petunia: Anyway (trying to pass it off and addressing the passengers) Clarence - Captain Oveur, Blossom's other half, is our Chief Pilot here at chirpychirpycheapcheap.com and will be flying you to Glasgow today. And with him will be Roger - Roger Dunne - Flight Engineer - nice man. Not been with us for long but already making a good impression. He's on his probationary period still and hoping to make the grade.
Blossom: We also have a VIP arriving at the airport lounge soon. Yes, Cocaine Jepson the famous rock star from the 60's, 70's 80's 90's and still going strong.
Petunia: You were at school with him weren't you BLO?
Blossom: That's right - Me and Jeps & Clarence all used to hang out together. Haven't seen him in years.
Petunia: Well I think that's everyone.
Blossom: What about what's her face?
Petunia: You mean...
Blossom: (sarcastically) Simply the best – Candice.
Petunia: Yes - Candice is our other air Hostess on the Glasgow flight. She will take over here while we look after you on the outbound flight. We don't really get on with her do we Blossom?
Blossom: No we don't - bit up herself if you ask me - think she knows it all. Too bossy for my liking.
Petunia: Anyway the least said about her the better. Have you advised all our Passengers that there is now a key required for the toilet on board and that a charge of £3 is required to obtain the key?
Blossom: (to passengers) I'd go now if I were you.
Sfx of plane approaching in the background.
Jack: Ground Control to Flight CCC666 - that's Charlie Charlie Charlie 666. Do you read? Over.
Cpt Oveur: (speaking off-stage – from the plane) Of course I can read.
This is Captain Oveur Over
Jack: Captain Over Over?
Cpt Oveur: Yes Captain Oveur. Over
Jack: Are your instruments ok Captain Over Over?
Cpt Oveur: One or two are not showing correct readings, so just in case I have switched off Auto Pilot and changed to Manual. Over.
Jack: Manual Over?
Cpt Oveur: Yes manual, Copy? I have to set my approach now so I'll hand you over to Flight Engineer Roger Dunne. Over.
Jack: Ok Over Over.
Roger: Hello, Roger Dunne here. Over.
Jack: I believe the captain wants a manual copied - is that correct Roger Over.
Roger: No, my name is Roger Dunne. The Captain is Captain Oveur. Over.
Jack: Ok Roger Over.
Roger: Roger Dunne. (getting annoyed) I don't know about the manual but if the Captain wants it then I expect it needs doing. Copy that. Roger. Over.
Petunia: Everything ok Jack?
Jack: I think so yes - he wants a photo copy of the plane's manual I think. Anyway, I can see the plane on screen now - Ladies and gentlemen your attention please. Chirpychirpycheapcheap.com flight CCC666 from Glasgow is just arriving at gate 1......gate .2.......gate 3......gate 4.
Sfx of plane landing in the background.
Petunia: Erm..Whilst we are waiting for the turnaround of the plane we will provide you with some free chirpychirpycheapcheap.com entertainment - won't we Blossom?
Blossom: Yes Pet
Petunia: This is our theme song and will feature in our new TV add, and can be found on you tube, and can be downloaded from the iTunes store. Here we go - I'll count you in Blossom - Join in the chorus everyone. Cue backing track Jack.
Song – Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep
Captain Oveur enters with flight engineer Roger Dunne and Candice.
Charlie the auto pilot is tucked under his arm.
Cpt Oveur: (passing over Charlie) Here Candice - Charlie the auto Pilot needs checking out - I think he's feeling a bit deflated.
Candice: Yes Clarence – I mean Captain Oveur. Here Petunia, sort this please.
Petunia takes Charlie and hides it under the desk.
Cpt Oveur: Evening all - bit of bumpy landing there, but we'll get the instrument panel and Charlie sorted out, and everything will be as right as rain. How is everyone? Hi Jack. (acknowledging Jack)
An extra person can be used here – perhaps one of the backstage crew enters wearing a security jacket.
Security: Ok everyone - Freeze. I'll alert armed response unit - give me an update on the Hijack situation.
Cpt Oveur: No, you idiot - there is no hijack situation. Stand down.
Security: Oh - ok – sorry.
Security guard exits.
Cpt Oveur: Now then. Everything Ok at this end? We are aiming for a quick turnaround so we will soon have everyone here on board.
Candice: Can I Introduce you to the passengers Cpt Oveur?
Blossom & Petunia are making faces in the background.
Cpt Oveur: Of course you can Candice. The floor is yours.
Candice: Ladies and Gentlemen, I would formally like to introduce you to your Captain & Flight Engineer who will be flying you safely to Glasgow this evening. Captain Clarence Oveur & Flight Engineer Roger Dunne.
Jack: (pointing to them both) Ha - I've just got it - they're Oveur Dunne.
Roger: Yes, very funny Jack. Just to let everyone know, we have a famous celebrity due to be travelling with us on our flight back to Glasgow.
Candice has been checking her mobile for messages.
Candice: Yes, Cocaine Jepson will be..
Blossom: I’ve already advised our passengers Candice.
Candice: Yes, thank you Blossom, but I was going to say that I have just received a message that he is making his way from the VIP lounge to see us all here before boarding.
Cocaine Jepson makes an entrance. An extra person or 2 could be following acting as reporters taking notes and photographs. Jack leaves his station with an autograph book to approach him. Blossom & Petunia approach as well to greet him.
Cpt Oveur: Well look who it isn't - my old mate Jepson. Hi Jeppers - what gig are you playing at next?
Cocaine Jepson: Hi Clarence. Long time no see.. How are you man? They've asked me to open the Loch Lomond festival tomorrow.
Cpt Oveur: Of course you are.
Cocaine Jepson: (brushes off his followers and approaches Cpt Over) Have you got the stuff?
Cpt Oveur: Yes ok - keep your voice down - look I don't know
I long I can keep this up. I could easily get into trouble over this.
They move further away from the other so as not to be heard.
Cocaine Jepson: Now look here Pal - you promised me you could get a regular supply for this stuff, and I'm giving you good money for it. You won’t back out of this deal.
Cpt Oveur: You don't scare me Jepson. You may have been the biggest bully at school but that doesn't cut any ice these days. I could easily expose the real extent of your habit on hard drugs.
Cocaine Jepson: Do that Pal and you're dropping yourself right in it. Don't forget who is supplying the drugs in this relationship.
Cpt Oveur: I don't give a damn. I'm out and that's that. I'm not afraid of you anymore.
Cocaine Jepson: Oh Yeah - we'll see about that. You're not gonna get away with this Oveur.
Cpt Oveur: (walking away) Go to hell.
Jepson goes back to his reporters and Blossom/Petunia/Jack. Candice approaches Cpt Over.
Candice: Everything ok Clarence?
Cpt Oveur: Yes - just sorting out Bully Boy Jepson.
Candice: So, have you decided yet? About telling sour puss over there about you and me?
Cpt Oveur: Keep your voice down.
Blossom: (over hearing) I heard that. What's going on then?
Candice: You may as well know. Clarence and I are now in a relationship. He's had enough of someone old enough to be in a care home. He prefers someone younger, more attractive like me.
Blossom: What? You're young enough to be his daughter! Little Miss Fur Coat & No Knickers. You should be ashamed of yourself picking on an old man. Oh I've heard about you young lady - go for anything in trousers. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Candice: We love each other. Don’t we Clarence.
Blossom: Love? Love? You don't know the meaning of the word. Infatuation more like - and you. (turning on Clarence) You good for nothing little squirt. How could you? With Her!! You're old enough to be her Father. That's it. You've not heard the last of this. You mark my words.
Blossom goes to Petunia for comfort.
Cpt Oveur: (Summoning up enough courage) We're finished you and me. All that ranting and raving. I've had enough of it. That's all you do. If you're not yelling at me, you're nagging at me. Well you're not getting away with it anymore. We're through. Oh and by the way - I know about your secret meetings with Cocaine Jepson over there. Oh yes, how long as it been going on Jepson? Having a secret affair with my Wife. What's up? Cats got your tongues?
Cocaine Jepson: That's a lie. You don’t know what you’re saying.
Cpt Oveur: Come on. I know what's been going on.
Blossom: You're talking rubbish - why would you say such a thing?
Petunia: How could you? You evil little womaniser. Look what a state she's in now.
Cpt Oveur: Oh don't you start. I know your little secret. Or should I say big secret. Shall I tell everyone?
Candice: Oh yes - I've been waiting for this one. Go on Clarence.
Blossom: What's maggot face talking about Pet?
Petunia: I've no idea (Petunia faces up to Clarence and grabs both his nipples, twisting them – he is on tiptoe and in pain and squirming.) Now listen here you lump of dirt. I suggest you get out of here - now. You're upsetting everyone as well as Blossom here.(she lets go, much to his relief)
Blossom: Oh don't worry about me. I've seen it all before. This isn't the first time he's been knocking around with someone less than half his age. He always comes running back though. When the novelty wears off. That's all you are chuck - a novelty.
Candice: Clarence?
Cpt Oveur: Don't listen to her Candice.
Petunia: It's true you know - Blossom has told me some right tales I can tell you. And if you want some proof - I have some names and contact numbers in my little diary book that I've been checking on. All you gotta do is call.
Candice: I don't believe this - you said you were in the process of leaving that cow. I knew you wouldn't go through with it. All those promises you made. Wanting to set up home together - nice little pad in Cleveleys (or local town). You’re all the bloody same.
Cpt Oveur: No wait – they’re both trying to wind you up - I meant it.
Candice: I knew it - you'll never leave Blossom. I was just your bit on the side. A bit of fun to keep you occupied whilst away from home. Well I'll tell you sunshine you've picked the wrong girl to have a bit of fun with. Nobody messes with me do you hear? Nobody.
Cpt Oveur: Don't get shirty with me you jumped up little tart.
Candice slaps Clarence across the face and storms out.
Blossom: Told you so. Off you pop.
OTHER MURDER MYSTERY BOOKS AND SCRIPTS
These scripts are perfect for hosting your own comedy murder mystery event or play.
Hilarious MURDER MYSTERIES
By Chris Shelstone a graduate of The School of Comedy
LEARNMurder mystery scripts that are easy to learn and produce
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REHEARSEAll you need to start your murder and mystery rehearsals
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PERFORMAcclaimed comedic murder mystery scripts that you'll will love
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