MURDER MOST VILEComedy murder mystery play
by Chris Shelstone
|
CHARACTERSList of "Murder Most Vile" characters.
Gordon Bennett – Hotel Owner
George Formbies – Travelling Entertainer Billy – Gordon’s Teenage Nephew Juan Sheet – Star Hotel Guest Jack Daniels – Hotel Guest Amber Dextrous-Daniels – Jack’s Wife Kim – Jack’s Teenage Granddaughter Demi Wave – Hotel Hairdresser Beau Wave – Hotel Hairdresser Gordon Bleu – Chef Gordon Zola - Porter |
MURDER MOST VILE PLAY SYNOPSIS
6 males 3 females, or 4m 5f, with variations.
MURDER MOST VILE SYNOPSIS
Ex-teacher Gordon Bennett runs a local hotel that is somewhat run down, but has plans to knock it into shape. His overseas cousins are helping out, but is it really Gordon in disguise to give the impression he has more staff? A few specially chosen guests who have past connections have been invited to an all-expenses paid evening meal and overnight stay by a mystery benefactor. Revelations are made, tragedy strikes, and mayhem ensues to try and uncover who is behind it all.
MURDER MOST VILE PRODUCTION NOTES
Minimum set is required for Murder Most Vile. A table to represent reception desk with appropriate items, (phone, monitor, check-in cards, stationery, bell etc.) plus another table to represent a drinks bar with some chairs in front for a seating area. This can be set on a stage but some of the action will be in front of the stage, and closer to the audience, so steps will be needed for easy access.
There there is another table and chair for the Accounts Assistant, positioned in front of the stage to one side. There are paper and
pens on the table. The whole set can be done at floor level if required. It is intended that the Chef and Porter are played by the same actor as Gordon Bennet, but with different accents, perhaps with moustache/beard. It should be obvious that it is the same actor for
comic effect. Depending on age of actors available Kim could be daughter instead of granddaughter, or even a male. Likewise, Billy could be female with small changes to the script. The Hairdressers are scripted as male & female but could be both male or both female and even just one Hairdresser with a few script changes, so there is flexibility depending on available cast.
This production has been written without a detective to arrive but can be added if there is available cast, or can even be the murdered
person returned in disguise. The audience are guests staying at the hotel.
MURDER MOST VILE SYNOPSIS
Ex-teacher Gordon Bennett runs a local hotel that is somewhat run down, but has plans to knock it into shape. His overseas cousins are helping out, but is it really Gordon in disguise to give the impression he has more staff? A few specially chosen guests who have past connections have been invited to an all-expenses paid evening meal and overnight stay by a mystery benefactor. Revelations are made, tragedy strikes, and mayhem ensues to try and uncover who is behind it all.
MURDER MOST VILE PRODUCTION NOTES
Minimum set is required for Murder Most Vile. A table to represent reception desk with appropriate items, (phone, monitor, check-in cards, stationery, bell etc.) plus another table to represent a drinks bar with some chairs in front for a seating area. This can be set on a stage but some of the action will be in front of the stage, and closer to the audience, so steps will be needed for easy access.
There there is another table and chair for the Accounts Assistant, positioned in front of the stage to one side. There are paper and
pens on the table. The whole set can be done at floor level if required. It is intended that the Chef and Porter are played by the same actor as Gordon Bennet, but with different accents, perhaps with moustache/beard. It should be obvious that it is the same actor for
comic effect. Depending on age of actors available Kim could be daughter instead of granddaughter, or even a male. Likewise, Billy could be female with small changes to the script. The Hairdressers are scripted as male & female but could be both male or both female and even just one Hairdresser with a few script changes, so there is flexibility depending on available cast.
This production has been written without a detective to arrive but can be added if there is available cast, or can even be the murdered
person returned in disguise. The audience are guests staying at the hotel.
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Downloads of scripts can be purchased via stageplays.com from the link below
Murder Most Vile is also available in A5 book form with glossy cover - please contact me directly.
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Murder Most Vile SAMPLE SCRIPT - CLICK ON BOX BELOW
TO READ CHARACTER PROFILES AND SAMPLE SCRIPT FOR MURDER MOST VILE BY CHRIS SHELSTONE
MURDER MOST VILE SAMPLE SCRIPT
MURDER MOST VILE
The scene is set at a local Hotel in the Bar/Reception Area. On stage is a reception desk and drinks bar,
with some glasses and bottles where the Hotel Manager Gordon is tidying up. He has been welcoming the
hotel guests (the audience) as they arrive. Gordon is singing to himself (badly and can't remember the
words). He is very enthusiastic and tries extremely hard to be positive. There are some cocktail menus on
the tables for the audience guests, with some humorous cocktail names, but they have all had a line put
through them with the words ‘out of stock’ on them. He comes down from the reception desk area to get
closer to the audience guests.
GORDON: Good evening everyone, and a big warm welcome to (local town/area’s) latest hotel offering,
and I hope you are all looking forward to your evening supper meal. I think I met most of you during
check-in, but for those I missed, I am the hotel manager Mr Bennett - but you can call me Gordon.
This is a family run establishment. My nephew Billy is on work experience helping with the accounts and
contracts etc., and my cousin has flown in from America to help with porter duties for a while. My other
cousin from France is on chef duties until we get someone else more permanent. They will be around
later to introduce themselves.
Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, our singing entertainment for the evening after our meal
has had to be cancelled. I know, it is a bit of a blow, but there was a sudden illness that has gone right
through the band. Not the nasty life threatening one that's caused chaos and suffering. Just a nasty flu
thing, but they can';t perform and we can't get anyone at short notice.
Some of you will be hugely disappointed, but never fear, yours truly has organised a Bingo session.
Hoorah. Don't worry, I am fully experienced in the process. However, I did get pulled up the last time I
ran one of these sessions. I was caught up in the moment when I called out ‘Two fat ladies 88’. Not
politically-correct these days. I'm still suffering from the bruises I received from two large ladies taking
part. But all in a day’s work.
Some of you might have a few problems with TVs in the room. We've had a new satellite system installed
and there has been some synchronisation issues. So, at the moment, if you want BBC1 go to BBC2, and
for BBC2 go to BBC4. BBC4 is on GOLD. ITV is on ITV2+1 and ITV2+1 is on ITV3. ITV3 is on
DAVE. We are still trying to find out where you can find GOLD and DAVE. Oh, by the way, the sports
channels are on the Adults-only link. But don't worry, you won't be charged, as it says on the screen. We
will get it all sorted out soon enough.
On a positive note, our on-site hair salon, Waves, is fully operational, despite the scaffolding you can see
where extensions are taking place. Not hair extensions, no. Ha ha. No, we are expanding the salon you
see. Call in when you get a chance, but please do wear the hard hat provided on the approach to the salon.
The Waves, Demi and Beau, who run the salon, will make themselves known later. Finally, I have to
apologise for the lack of cocktails available. Our suppliers of spirits let us down with a delivery due this
morning. Something to do with a mix up on our last payment due, but it should be sorted today and
hopefully a delivery will be made later. In the meantime, there is whiskey available and a limited amount
of sherry. We do of course have an extensive range of H2O.
Anyway, I’d better get back to the desk, we have a few more guests due to check in very soon. Be sure to
let me know if you need anything.
Gordon takes a dramatic bow and goes back up to the reception desk to check arrival schedule, etc. George
enters with travel bag and Banjo Ukulele.
GEORGE: Hi everyone. Is this "Ells Bells", (Local town’s) newest and finest Hotel? (Pauses and looks
around). It looks more like a B and B from the 70's if you ask me. I mean - look at the state. Is this their
excuse for a dining room? Looks more like the staff canteen from Dinner Ladies. It says ere on ‘Tripped
Advisor’ (Looking at phone) its a ‘casual seaside hotel option with an airy café’. It's nowhere near the
sea. Airy cafe? Is that where you can have your 'air done? I could do with a trim, I think I'll book an
appointment.
GORDON: Good evening, sir. Can I be of assistance?
GEORGE: (to the guests) Oh eh. Sir. We're off to a good start here. (Approaches reception desk.) Erm, yes.
I received this special invitation for evening dinner and overnight stay. Don’t know who it’s from but it’s
all pre-paid apparently.
GORDON: (takes card and checks the system) Ah yes, I have all your details on the system. Mr Formbies I
presume?
GEORGE: That's correct - George Formbies.
GORDON: Yes, there we are, sir. Sign here please, and here is your card key. You are in room 13.
GEORGE: 13? You don’t have another one, do you?
GORDON: I’m afraid not, sir. It was specifically requested you have that room. And we are now fully
booked. Dinner is at 8.15pm. There is a special table booked for you together with the other special
invited guests.
GEORGE: Other special invited guests? So there is a chosen few then?
GORDON: Yes, sir. They will be arriving soon. If there is anything else I can assist you with just ring
down. My name is Bennett. Gordon Bennett.
GEORGE: Ok thanks Mr erm Bennett. Oh yes, what time does the entertainment start?
GORDON: I'm sorry?
GEORGE: The entertainment. It says here on ‘Tripped Advisor’ you have nightly singing.
GORDON: Ah yes, well as I was explaining to our other guests here, due to unexpected sickness we have
had to temporarily cancel the entertainment. We can't get anyone else at short notice.
GEORGE: Well I think I can help you out in that department.
GORDON: I'm sorry?
GEORGE: Singing. I';ve done a bit of that.
GORDON: Well, I don’t know. I mean our guests are used to an extremely high standard.
GEORGE: Oh, go on. I'm good you know. I won the local karaoke contest in Wigan. (Or another local
town)
GORDON: With all due respect, sir - this isn’t a karaoke establishment.
GEORGE: Look, it says here that you provide nightly entertainment included in the price.
GORDON: Yes, but to be fair sir, an anonymous benefactor is paying for your stay.
GEORGE: That's not the point, Gordon. It doesn't matter who is paying. You promised entertainment, and I
can provide it. I do a good George Formby tribute act. (Accent turns broad Lancashire) Turned out nice
again.
GORDON: George Formby? George Formbies. Okay, I get it now.
GEORGE: He's become very popular you know. I was performing at the George Formby convention last
month at the Imperial in Blackpool. Four times a year they do that. You should have tribute nights here.
Might get you a bit more business.
GORDON: Well, you will have to audition of course.
GEORGE: No problem. My Banjo Ukulele needs re-stringing so it’s out of action at the moment. Do you
have a backing track for ‘A Little bit of Blackpool Rock’ by any chance?
GORDON: Now that's where our superb sound team can sort it. Lucky we have them here at this hotel.
They are much sought-after in the area you know. They’ve won awards. They’ve even been invited to
Las Vegas. Oh yes, you name it and they've got it. Watch this. (Calls over to the sound crew) Have you
got ‘A Little bit of Blackpool Rock?’
SOUND PERSON: (shouts) No.
GORDON: Oh, they don't seem to have that one.
GEORGE: Oh dear. What about ‘Leaning on a Lamp Post’ then?
GORDON: (calling over to sound crew again) What about ‘Leaning on a Lamp Post’ then?
SOUND PERSON: Yes, we have that one. Say When.
GORDON: (to George) Yes, we have that one. Say When.
GEORGE: (calling over to sound crew) When.
The song is optional and can be referred as ‘you will have to audition later’. The tribute act, and/or song be
changed as well, to suit the actor with some minor changes to the script. After song, George sits on one of
the chairs in front of the bar.
GORDON: Okay, you've got the job - for tonight. Get the hair sorted out with some gel. Our on-site Hair
Salon can sort that out. I'll get the contract drawn up straight away. (Shouts off stage) Billy - if you’re
available, I'll consider giving you a season here in the Autumn. Let’s see how tonight goes. The other
invited special guests will be here soon.
GEORGE: Well I can't think who they are. Do you know what this is all about, Mr Bennett?
GORDON: Gordon, please. I';ve no idea sir, but I'm sure we will find out soon.
Billy has entered during last bit of dialogue. He is quite monotone in his speaking and never looks happy.
The opposite of Gordon.
GORDON: Ah. There you are, Billy. Mr Formbies will be singing here tonight. Draw up a contract please,
here are some basic details. You can get the rest later. And draw up a draft proposal for the autumn
season.
BILLY: Okay, but I still need to talk to you about the money in the accounts.
GORDON: Later, Billy.
BILLY: But it’s important. We need to....
GORDON: I said later. Contract first - please!
BILLY: Okay, Gordon.
Billy goes to a nearby desk and starts to prepare documents.
GORDON: I'm sorry Mr erm… George. Where were we?
GEORGE: He looks a bundle of fun. Shouldn't he be at home doing homework?
GORDON: Oh, he';s my Nephew. It's a family-run establishment. Billy helps out when he’s not too busy
studying. He wants to be an accountant, but his ambition after doing that for a few years is to run a Jazz
Bar.
GEORGE: A Jazz Bar. Good on you Billy, great ambition to have.
GORDON: He wants this to be a Jazz Hotel, but it’s limiting our potential client base don’t you think?
GEORGE: Maybe, but it’s a good way to stand out from the crowd. Anyway, who else has these special
complimentary invites?
Juan Sheet enters suitably dressed in a white matador outfit.
GORDON: I'm afraid I am not at liberty to say, sir.
JUAN SHEET: Allo everyone. I believe this is where I am staying tonight.
Juan works the room saying "allo, ow are you?" to the ladies etc., and eventually sees the reception area.
GORDON: Over here, sir. I will check you in.
JUAN SHEET: Ah ci, muchos gracias.
Juan approaches the reception/bar to hand over his card.
GORDON: I see you have your invitation card.
JUAN SHEET: Ci. The name is Juan. Juan Sheet. You may have seen me on the adverts? I am very famous
person.
GORDON: Ah yes - the information we received said you would be going under the name of Juan Sheet.
JUAN SHEET: Well yes, that is my name.
GORDON: Oh yes, of course. Here is your room card. Sign here please.
GEORGE: So you are also invited. Do you know who is behind this and what it's all about?
JUAN SHEET: I know nothing. The card just said to be here at this time for dinner and overnight stay. All
expenses paid. So I come.
Gordon checks him in and hands over the key card.
GORDON: Here is you key card. Dinner is at 8.15 with some other special invited guests. Is there anything
else I can help you gentlemen with?
JUAN SHEET: What room number have I? I presume I ‘ave 1st Class penthouse suite? I am celebrity you
know.
GORDON: I'm afraid we have no penthouse suites here, Mr Sheet. You are in a standard double room like
everyone else. But I have put you on the top floor. It’s a very nice room. Room 666.
GEORGE: 666. The hotel doesn’t look big enough for that many rooms.
GORDON: It isn’t. The previous owner had a bit of a sense of humour and I thought we would leave them
as they are.
JUAN SHEET: But I insist on 1st Class room with Butler service. I am star.
GORDON: Everything is pre-paid for you on the basis of standard rooms, which is all we have.
GEORGE: I'm sure you will be very comfortable Juan. Have a drink with me. I'm sure Mr Bennett can
arrange for our luggage to be taken to our rooms in the meantime. I'm very interested to see who else
arrives at this special invite-only dinner.
JUAN SHEET: Okay, but I need the little men’s room first.
GORDON: It's just through that door there sir, and on your left. (Indicates the way and Juan starts to exit)
I'll arrange for the porter to help with your luggage. (To George) I'll get someone from Go and Blo, our
hair salon, to fit you in, George. Have a complimentary drink while you wait. Billy, will you keep an eye
on the desk for me and help with any drinks needed? The petty cash tin is under the counter if you need
access to any money, but I don’t think you will need it.
BILLY: Okay, but we still need to go through the accounts.
GORDON: Later Billy, later.
Gordon Exits. George is sitting on a seat by the bar. Billy organises drinks. Jack Daniels enters with Kim,
his granddaughter.
JACK DANIELS: Here we are then. It';s not the Hilton, but it will have to do for the night.
KIM: You are joking, I hope. I'm not staying in this place. Look at it.
JACK DANIELS: Well I like it. It's quaint. It's nice.
KIM: Quaint? Nice? There's nothing quaint or nice about this place.
JACK DANIELS: Will you stop it. We've been invited to stay here so here we will stay. If you can't behave
I'll take you home.
KIM: Okay. Anyway - what happened to Nanny Amber?
JACK DANIELS: I told you before. She insisted on going to the boutique to get more of her expensive
make-up. She'll be here soon enough. I need a drink and a sit down. Go and check in for me, there’s a
good girl.
Kim approaches Billy, who is now behind the check-in desk. On seeing him, her attitude to the place
changes. Jack sits by the bar near to George.
BILLY: Hello. I'm Billy.
Kim hands over the invitation card.
KIM: Well hello, Billy. My name is Kim. It's a nice place you have here.
BILLY: Thank you. (Checks the card) The complimentary invites are just for Mr Daniels and Mrs
Dextrous-Daniels.
KIM: Yes a separate room has been booked for me. Granddad booked and paid for it on
fantastichotels.com.
Juan enters back in the room.
BILLY: Oh yes, I have it here. You are in room 101. It seems that your granddad and nanny are in separate
rooms as well. Specially requested.
JACK DANIELS: Suits me.
BILLY: Okay, good. Your granddad has room 6 and your nan has room 9.
Kim and Billy silently act out the rest of the checking in process, passing her card key over, and silently
chatting to each other whilst the focus switches to the others. Juan re-enters.
JACK DANIELS: (seeing Juan) Oh my God, what the hell are you doing here?
JUAN SHEET: Good evening, Mr Daniels sir.
JACK DANIELS: Don’t you ‘good evening Mr Daniels sir’ me.
GEORGE: You know each other then?
JACK DANIELS: You bet I do. He had an affair with my wife.
Sfx dah, dah, dah. All look around to see where the sound is coming from.
JUAN SHEET: It was long time ago.
JACK DANIELS: It was last year at the Good Food Show.
The porter Gordon Zola enters. It's Gordon Bennett with a wig and different jacket but it's obvious that it';s
Gordon Bennett pretending to be someone else.
GEORGE: Looks like someone has set you two up.
JUAN SHEET: I go.
JACK DANIELS: No, you'd better stay. I want to know who's doing this.
GORDON ZOLA: (in a bad American accent) Hi guys. I'm here to help you with your bags.
GEORGE: Oh thanks. Erm, if you don’t mind me saying, you look a lot like the manager who checked me
in earlier.
GORDON ZOLA: Yeh, a lot of people say that. I am Gordon Zola, Gordon Bennett is my English cousin.
I'm over here for a couple of years to help with the family business. Let me take your bags. Follow me.
(Gordon collects bags and starts to exit exit)
GEORGE: I think I'll stick around here for a while. I could do with another drink.
JUAN SHEET: Me too.
JACK DANIELS: Kim, you go and check out the room. I'll be up later when your nan eventually arrives.
KIM: But I was talking to Billy.
JACK DANIELS: Do as you';re told for once.
KIM: Well I suppose I can see what'. in the mini bar and watch TV.
GORDON ZOLA: Follow me, Kim. We’ll get you to your room first and then I’ll drop off the other bags.
Kim exits with Gordon. There is an announcement over the tannoy system.
Sfx Ding Dong (hi de hi version) ‘Call for Billy. Please come to the kitchen area as soon as possible. Thank
you’. Ding Dong.
BILLY: I'd better go. Gordon will be back very soon. Help yourself to another drink.
Billy Exits.
GEORGE: Is there anything else apart from sherry in this place. Let's have a look.
George goes behind the bar and looks down underneath hidden from view. This takes a few seconds.
JACK DANIELS: (looking at his watch) Amber should be here soon then we can sort this out.
JUAN SHEET: Ci. I look forward to it.
JACK DANIELS: And you can drop that phony accent. We all know you're really Roland from Preston.
(Or local nearby town)
GEORGE: (pops his head up from behind the bar, then carries on looking for drinks) Roland?
JUAN SHEET: (in normal accent) All right, but I don't know why you and Amber are still together. She's
not happy being with you.
JACK DANIELS: (standing up and getting angry) You stay out of my personal life sunshine before I
punch your lights out.
GEORGE: (popping up again) Hah. Found a bottle of whisky and some suitable glasses. That will do
nicely. Care to join me?
George pours out some drinks as Jack and Juan reluctantly agree. Amber enters making a fuss. She is a bit of
a loudmouth and moves about the room making her way through the audience. During this distraction Juan
starts to read a magazine, which hides his face. George brings over the drinks and sits with the others.
AMBER: Finally. I can't believe how long it's taken to get here. The taxi service in this area is terrible. I
could have walked here by now. And this place doesn't look up to much. Look at those curtains. Like
something from the eighties.
JACK DANIELS: Hello, dear.
AMBER: And you, you waste of space for a husband. Why couldn't you wait for me? You do it all the
time. I don't know why I've stayed married to you for all these years. I've wasted my life on you. Where’s
Kim?
The scene is set at a local Hotel in the Bar/Reception Area. On stage is a reception desk and drinks bar,
with some glasses and bottles where the Hotel Manager Gordon is tidying up. He has been welcoming the
hotel guests (the audience) as they arrive. Gordon is singing to himself (badly and can't remember the
words). He is very enthusiastic and tries extremely hard to be positive. There are some cocktail menus on
the tables for the audience guests, with some humorous cocktail names, but they have all had a line put
through them with the words ‘out of stock’ on them. He comes down from the reception desk area to get
closer to the audience guests.
GORDON: Good evening everyone, and a big warm welcome to (local town/area’s) latest hotel offering,
and I hope you are all looking forward to your evening supper meal. I think I met most of you during
check-in, but for those I missed, I am the hotel manager Mr Bennett - but you can call me Gordon.
This is a family run establishment. My nephew Billy is on work experience helping with the accounts and
contracts etc., and my cousin has flown in from America to help with porter duties for a while. My other
cousin from France is on chef duties until we get someone else more permanent. They will be around
later to introduce themselves.
Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, our singing entertainment for the evening after our meal
has had to be cancelled. I know, it is a bit of a blow, but there was a sudden illness that has gone right
through the band. Not the nasty life threatening one that's caused chaos and suffering. Just a nasty flu
thing, but they can';t perform and we can't get anyone at short notice.
Some of you will be hugely disappointed, but never fear, yours truly has organised a Bingo session.
Hoorah. Don't worry, I am fully experienced in the process. However, I did get pulled up the last time I
ran one of these sessions. I was caught up in the moment when I called out ‘Two fat ladies 88’. Not
politically-correct these days. I'm still suffering from the bruises I received from two large ladies taking
part. But all in a day’s work.
Some of you might have a few problems with TVs in the room. We've had a new satellite system installed
and there has been some synchronisation issues. So, at the moment, if you want BBC1 go to BBC2, and
for BBC2 go to BBC4. BBC4 is on GOLD. ITV is on ITV2+1 and ITV2+1 is on ITV3. ITV3 is on
DAVE. We are still trying to find out where you can find GOLD and DAVE. Oh, by the way, the sports
channels are on the Adults-only link. But don't worry, you won't be charged, as it says on the screen. We
will get it all sorted out soon enough.
On a positive note, our on-site hair salon, Waves, is fully operational, despite the scaffolding you can see
where extensions are taking place. Not hair extensions, no. Ha ha. No, we are expanding the salon you
see. Call in when you get a chance, but please do wear the hard hat provided on the approach to the salon.
The Waves, Demi and Beau, who run the salon, will make themselves known later. Finally, I have to
apologise for the lack of cocktails available. Our suppliers of spirits let us down with a delivery due this
morning. Something to do with a mix up on our last payment due, but it should be sorted today and
hopefully a delivery will be made later. In the meantime, there is whiskey available and a limited amount
of sherry. We do of course have an extensive range of H2O.
Anyway, I’d better get back to the desk, we have a few more guests due to check in very soon. Be sure to
let me know if you need anything.
Gordon takes a dramatic bow and goes back up to the reception desk to check arrival schedule, etc. George
enters with travel bag and Banjo Ukulele.
GEORGE: Hi everyone. Is this "Ells Bells", (Local town’s) newest and finest Hotel? (Pauses and looks
around). It looks more like a B and B from the 70's if you ask me. I mean - look at the state. Is this their
excuse for a dining room? Looks more like the staff canteen from Dinner Ladies. It says ere on ‘Tripped
Advisor’ (Looking at phone) its a ‘casual seaside hotel option with an airy café’. It's nowhere near the
sea. Airy cafe? Is that where you can have your 'air done? I could do with a trim, I think I'll book an
appointment.
GORDON: Good evening, sir. Can I be of assistance?
GEORGE: (to the guests) Oh eh. Sir. We're off to a good start here. (Approaches reception desk.) Erm, yes.
I received this special invitation for evening dinner and overnight stay. Don’t know who it’s from but it’s
all pre-paid apparently.
GORDON: (takes card and checks the system) Ah yes, I have all your details on the system. Mr Formbies I
presume?
GEORGE: That's correct - George Formbies.
GORDON: Yes, there we are, sir. Sign here please, and here is your card key. You are in room 13.
GEORGE: 13? You don’t have another one, do you?
GORDON: I’m afraid not, sir. It was specifically requested you have that room. And we are now fully
booked. Dinner is at 8.15pm. There is a special table booked for you together with the other special
invited guests.
GEORGE: Other special invited guests? So there is a chosen few then?
GORDON: Yes, sir. They will be arriving soon. If there is anything else I can assist you with just ring
down. My name is Bennett. Gordon Bennett.
GEORGE: Ok thanks Mr erm Bennett. Oh yes, what time does the entertainment start?
GORDON: I'm sorry?
GEORGE: The entertainment. It says here on ‘Tripped Advisor’ you have nightly singing.
GORDON: Ah yes, well as I was explaining to our other guests here, due to unexpected sickness we have
had to temporarily cancel the entertainment. We can't get anyone else at short notice.
GEORGE: Well I think I can help you out in that department.
GORDON: I'm sorry?
GEORGE: Singing. I';ve done a bit of that.
GORDON: Well, I don’t know. I mean our guests are used to an extremely high standard.
GEORGE: Oh, go on. I'm good you know. I won the local karaoke contest in Wigan. (Or another local
town)
GORDON: With all due respect, sir - this isn’t a karaoke establishment.
GEORGE: Look, it says here that you provide nightly entertainment included in the price.
GORDON: Yes, but to be fair sir, an anonymous benefactor is paying for your stay.
GEORGE: That's not the point, Gordon. It doesn't matter who is paying. You promised entertainment, and I
can provide it. I do a good George Formby tribute act. (Accent turns broad Lancashire) Turned out nice
again.
GORDON: George Formby? George Formbies. Okay, I get it now.
GEORGE: He's become very popular you know. I was performing at the George Formby convention last
month at the Imperial in Blackpool. Four times a year they do that. You should have tribute nights here.
Might get you a bit more business.
GORDON: Well, you will have to audition of course.
GEORGE: No problem. My Banjo Ukulele needs re-stringing so it’s out of action at the moment. Do you
have a backing track for ‘A Little bit of Blackpool Rock’ by any chance?
GORDON: Now that's where our superb sound team can sort it. Lucky we have them here at this hotel.
They are much sought-after in the area you know. They’ve won awards. They’ve even been invited to
Las Vegas. Oh yes, you name it and they've got it. Watch this. (Calls over to the sound crew) Have you
got ‘A Little bit of Blackpool Rock?’
SOUND PERSON: (shouts) No.
GORDON: Oh, they don't seem to have that one.
GEORGE: Oh dear. What about ‘Leaning on a Lamp Post’ then?
GORDON: (calling over to sound crew again) What about ‘Leaning on a Lamp Post’ then?
SOUND PERSON: Yes, we have that one. Say When.
GORDON: (to George) Yes, we have that one. Say When.
GEORGE: (calling over to sound crew) When.
The song is optional and can be referred as ‘you will have to audition later’. The tribute act, and/or song be
changed as well, to suit the actor with some minor changes to the script. After song, George sits on one of
the chairs in front of the bar.
GORDON: Okay, you've got the job - for tonight. Get the hair sorted out with some gel. Our on-site Hair
Salon can sort that out. I'll get the contract drawn up straight away. (Shouts off stage) Billy - if you’re
available, I'll consider giving you a season here in the Autumn. Let’s see how tonight goes. The other
invited special guests will be here soon.
GEORGE: Well I can't think who they are. Do you know what this is all about, Mr Bennett?
GORDON: Gordon, please. I';ve no idea sir, but I'm sure we will find out soon.
Billy has entered during last bit of dialogue. He is quite monotone in his speaking and never looks happy.
The opposite of Gordon.
GORDON: Ah. There you are, Billy. Mr Formbies will be singing here tonight. Draw up a contract please,
here are some basic details. You can get the rest later. And draw up a draft proposal for the autumn
season.
BILLY: Okay, but I still need to talk to you about the money in the accounts.
GORDON: Later, Billy.
BILLY: But it’s important. We need to....
GORDON: I said later. Contract first - please!
BILLY: Okay, Gordon.
Billy goes to a nearby desk and starts to prepare documents.
GORDON: I'm sorry Mr erm… George. Where were we?
GEORGE: He looks a bundle of fun. Shouldn't he be at home doing homework?
GORDON: Oh, he';s my Nephew. It's a family-run establishment. Billy helps out when he’s not too busy
studying. He wants to be an accountant, but his ambition after doing that for a few years is to run a Jazz
Bar.
GEORGE: A Jazz Bar. Good on you Billy, great ambition to have.
GORDON: He wants this to be a Jazz Hotel, but it’s limiting our potential client base don’t you think?
GEORGE: Maybe, but it’s a good way to stand out from the crowd. Anyway, who else has these special
complimentary invites?
Juan Sheet enters suitably dressed in a white matador outfit.
GORDON: I'm afraid I am not at liberty to say, sir.
JUAN SHEET: Allo everyone. I believe this is where I am staying tonight.
Juan works the room saying "allo, ow are you?" to the ladies etc., and eventually sees the reception area.
GORDON: Over here, sir. I will check you in.
JUAN SHEET: Ah ci, muchos gracias.
Juan approaches the reception/bar to hand over his card.
GORDON: I see you have your invitation card.
JUAN SHEET: Ci. The name is Juan. Juan Sheet. You may have seen me on the adverts? I am very famous
person.
GORDON: Ah yes - the information we received said you would be going under the name of Juan Sheet.
JUAN SHEET: Well yes, that is my name.
GORDON: Oh yes, of course. Here is your room card. Sign here please.
GEORGE: So you are also invited. Do you know who is behind this and what it's all about?
JUAN SHEET: I know nothing. The card just said to be here at this time for dinner and overnight stay. All
expenses paid. So I come.
Gordon checks him in and hands over the key card.
GORDON: Here is you key card. Dinner is at 8.15 with some other special invited guests. Is there anything
else I can help you gentlemen with?
JUAN SHEET: What room number have I? I presume I ‘ave 1st Class penthouse suite? I am celebrity you
know.
GORDON: I'm afraid we have no penthouse suites here, Mr Sheet. You are in a standard double room like
everyone else. But I have put you on the top floor. It’s a very nice room. Room 666.
GEORGE: 666. The hotel doesn’t look big enough for that many rooms.
GORDON: It isn’t. The previous owner had a bit of a sense of humour and I thought we would leave them
as they are.
JUAN SHEET: But I insist on 1st Class room with Butler service. I am star.
GORDON: Everything is pre-paid for you on the basis of standard rooms, which is all we have.
GEORGE: I'm sure you will be very comfortable Juan. Have a drink with me. I'm sure Mr Bennett can
arrange for our luggage to be taken to our rooms in the meantime. I'm very interested to see who else
arrives at this special invite-only dinner.
JUAN SHEET: Okay, but I need the little men’s room first.
GORDON: It's just through that door there sir, and on your left. (Indicates the way and Juan starts to exit)
I'll arrange for the porter to help with your luggage. (To George) I'll get someone from Go and Blo, our
hair salon, to fit you in, George. Have a complimentary drink while you wait. Billy, will you keep an eye
on the desk for me and help with any drinks needed? The petty cash tin is under the counter if you need
access to any money, but I don’t think you will need it.
BILLY: Okay, but we still need to go through the accounts.
GORDON: Later Billy, later.
Gordon Exits. George is sitting on a seat by the bar. Billy organises drinks. Jack Daniels enters with Kim,
his granddaughter.
JACK DANIELS: Here we are then. It';s not the Hilton, but it will have to do for the night.
KIM: You are joking, I hope. I'm not staying in this place. Look at it.
JACK DANIELS: Well I like it. It's quaint. It's nice.
KIM: Quaint? Nice? There's nothing quaint or nice about this place.
JACK DANIELS: Will you stop it. We've been invited to stay here so here we will stay. If you can't behave
I'll take you home.
KIM: Okay. Anyway - what happened to Nanny Amber?
JACK DANIELS: I told you before. She insisted on going to the boutique to get more of her expensive
make-up. She'll be here soon enough. I need a drink and a sit down. Go and check in for me, there’s a
good girl.
Kim approaches Billy, who is now behind the check-in desk. On seeing him, her attitude to the place
changes. Jack sits by the bar near to George.
BILLY: Hello. I'm Billy.
Kim hands over the invitation card.
KIM: Well hello, Billy. My name is Kim. It's a nice place you have here.
BILLY: Thank you. (Checks the card) The complimentary invites are just for Mr Daniels and Mrs
Dextrous-Daniels.
KIM: Yes a separate room has been booked for me. Granddad booked and paid for it on
fantastichotels.com.
Juan enters back in the room.
BILLY: Oh yes, I have it here. You are in room 101. It seems that your granddad and nanny are in separate
rooms as well. Specially requested.
JACK DANIELS: Suits me.
BILLY: Okay, good. Your granddad has room 6 and your nan has room 9.
Kim and Billy silently act out the rest of the checking in process, passing her card key over, and silently
chatting to each other whilst the focus switches to the others. Juan re-enters.
JACK DANIELS: (seeing Juan) Oh my God, what the hell are you doing here?
JUAN SHEET: Good evening, Mr Daniels sir.
JACK DANIELS: Don’t you ‘good evening Mr Daniels sir’ me.
GEORGE: You know each other then?
JACK DANIELS: You bet I do. He had an affair with my wife.
Sfx dah, dah, dah. All look around to see where the sound is coming from.
JUAN SHEET: It was long time ago.
JACK DANIELS: It was last year at the Good Food Show.
The porter Gordon Zola enters. It's Gordon Bennett with a wig and different jacket but it's obvious that it';s
Gordon Bennett pretending to be someone else.
GEORGE: Looks like someone has set you two up.
JUAN SHEET: I go.
JACK DANIELS: No, you'd better stay. I want to know who's doing this.
GORDON ZOLA: (in a bad American accent) Hi guys. I'm here to help you with your bags.
GEORGE: Oh thanks. Erm, if you don’t mind me saying, you look a lot like the manager who checked me
in earlier.
GORDON ZOLA: Yeh, a lot of people say that. I am Gordon Zola, Gordon Bennett is my English cousin.
I'm over here for a couple of years to help with the family business. Let me take your bags. Follow me.
(Gordon collects bags and starts to exit exit)
GEORGE: I think I'll stick around here for a while. I could do with another drink.
JUAN SHEET: Me too.
JACK DANIELS: Kim, you go and check out the room. I'll be up later when your nan eventually arrives.
KIM: But I was talking to Billy.
JACK DANIELS: Do as you';re told for once.
KIM: Well I suppose I can see what'. in the mini bar and watch TV.
GORDON ZOLA: Follow me, Kim. We’ll get you to your room first and then I’ll drop off the other bags.
Kim exits with Gordon. There is an announcement over the tannoy system.
Sfx Ding Dong (hi de hi version) ‘Call for Billy. Please come to the kitchen area as soon as possible. Thank
you’. Ding Dong.
BILLY: I'd better go. Gordon will be back very soon. Help yourself to another drink.
Billy Exits.
GEORGE: Is there anything else apart from sherry in this place. Let's have a look.
George goes behind the bar and looks down underneath hidden from view. This takes a few seconds.
JACK DANIELS: (looking at his watch) Amber should be here soon then we can sort this out.
JUAN SHEET: Ci. I look forward to it.
JACK DANIELS: And you can drop that phony accent. We all know you're really Roland from Preston.
(Or local nearby town)
GEORGE: (pops his head up from behind the bar, then carries on looking for drinks) Roland?
JUAN SHEET: (in normal accent) All right, but I don't know why you and Amber are still together. She's
not happy being with you.
JACK DANIELS: (standing up and getting angry) You stay out of my personal life sunshine before I
punch your lights out.
GEORGE: (popping up again) Hah. Found a bottle of whisky and some suitable glasses. That will do
nicely. Care to join me?
George pours out some drinks as Jack and Juan reluctantly agree. Amber enters making a fuss. She is a bit of
a loudmouth and moves about the room making her way through the audience. During this distraction Juan
starts to read a magazine, which hides his face. George brings over the drinks and sits with the others.
AMBER: Finally. I can't believe how long it's taken to get here. The taxi service in this area is terrible. I
could have walked here by now. And this place doesn't look up to much. Look at those curtains. Like
something from the eighties.
JACK DANIELS: Hello, dear.
AMBER: And you, you waste of space for a husband. Why couldn't you wait for me? You do it all the
time. I don't know why I've stayed married to you for all these years. I've wasted my life on you. Where’s
Kim?
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