MURDER AT STODGE CITYComedy murder mystery play
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CHARACTERSList of "Murder at Stodge City" characters.
Diamond Lil – Owner of The Rusty Spur Saloon
Ruby: – Diamond Lil’s Daughter Peaches Divine – Barmaid at The Rusty Spur Prospect Pete – A Local Prospector Klondike Keith – Pete’s son Wyatt Twerp – County Sheriff Dirty Dick – Railroad Businessman Milky Bar Kid – Local Cowboy Sapphire Steele – Diamond Li’s Twin Sister Big Chief Nokia – Local Indian Chief Little TP Mobile – Chief Nokia’s Indian Squaw Daughter Will Digam – Local Undertaker Jose – Mexican Lawman |
Murder at Stodge City PLAY SYNOPSIS
Cast: 7 male, 4 female parts or 6 male and 5 female parts
The Rusty Spur saloon is short of customers and Diamond Lil is looking for some big spenders. Cue for a song? Dirty Dick arrives in town wanting to buy up the Saloon Bar, with Wyatt Twerp in hot pursuit. Lil’s daughter Ruby plans to get married at the saloon, but Peaches Divine upsets the applecart with her startling revelations. Diamond Lil is found murdered, and her twin sister Sapphire arrives to try and sort out this tragedy. Can the Milky Bar Kid help sort it all out or is he here just to give out the chocolates?
MURDER AT STODGE CITY PRODUCTIONS NOTES Minimum set is required for Stodge City. Tables to represent a bar which can either be placed on the stage or at floor level, so makes it ideal to be performed at Village Halls, School Halls, Church Halls, Golf Clubs etc. A few Saloon Bar props and posters would add to the theme. If a stage is used, front of stage steps will be needed as a lot of the action takes place at floor level. Cabaret style seating is ideal with tables for the audience, as it is intended that they are the saloon bar customers. Different exits and entrances for the characters will add to the fun. Songs are optional.
Diamond Lil & Sapphire Steele are played by the same actor but doesn’t need to be. Big Chief Nokia and the undertaker are small parts with minimum lib. Klondike Keith could easily be Klondike Kate. Jose the Mexican can be played by Prospect Pete, so there is some flexibility to suit available cast.
SEE NODA SHOW REPORT HERE www.noda.org.uk/show-reports/murder-at-stodge-city
The Rusty Spur saloon is short of customers and Diamond Lil is looking for some big spenders. Cue for a song? Dirty Dick arrives in town wanting to buy up the Saloon Bar, with Wyatt Twerp in hot pursuit. Lil’s daughter Ruby plans to get married at the saloon, but Peaches Divine upsets the applecart with her startling revelations. Diamond Lil is found murdered, and her twin sister Sapphire arrives to try and sort out this tragedy. Can the Milky Bar Kid help sort it all out or is he here just to give out the chocolates?
MURDER AT STODGE CITY PRODUCTIONS NOTES Minimum set is required for Stodge City. Tables to represent a bar which can either be placed on the stage or at floor level, so makes it ideal to be performed at Village Halls, School Halls, Church Halls, Golf Clubs etc. A few Saloon Bar props and posters would add to the theme. If a stage is used, front of stage steps will be needed as a lot of the action takes place at floor level. Cabaret style seating is ideal with tables for the audience, as it is intended that they are the saloon bar customers. Different exits and entrances for the characters will add to the fun. Songs are optional.
Diamond Lil & Sapphire Steele are played by the same actor but doesn’t need to be. Big Chief Nokia and the undertaker are small parts with minimum lib. Klondike Keith could easily be Klondike Kate. Jose the Mexican can be played by Prospect Pete, so there is some flexibility to suit available cast.
SEE NODA SHOW REPORT HERE www.noda.org.uk/show-reports/murder-at-stodge-city
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MURDER AT STDGE CITY SAMPLE SCRIPT - CLICK ON BOX Below
To read character profiles and a sample of Murder at Stodge City by Chris Shelstone.
MUDER AT STODGE CITY SAMPLE SCRIPT
MURDER AT STODGE CITY CHARACTER PROFILES & SAMPLE SCRIPT
DIAMOND LIL
Owner of the Rusty Spur Saloon. Has lived in Stodge City all her life and used to be the barmaid there. Her twin sister Sapphire lent her the money to buy up the saloon when it became available, but they fell out big style. The money was never repaid, and Sapphire made it clear that the Saloon really belonged to her. Lil was married to Pete but it didn’t work out.
RUBY TUESDAY
Diamond Lil’s daughter. Or so she thought. She was really Sapphire’s daughter and Lil brought her up as her own. She has anger issues and likes a drink. Due to marry Billy but looks like she has been stood up as he now is in a relationship with Peaches.
PEACHES DIVINE
Recently arrived in Stodge City and managed to get a job at The Rusty Spur. She soon got friendly with Billy and they started an affair. She was the look-out girl for Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid, and the Mexican law have been trying to track her down for some time. Diamond Lil discovered her secret and was blackmailing Peaches under threat of going to the law.
PROSPECT PETE
Local prospector and was previously married to Lil. He also had an affair with Sapphire. Found evidence of gold on the land that the Rusty Spur is on and wants to buy Lil out so he could have control of it and make his fortune together with his son Keith.
Pete’s son and fellow prospector. He is with Pete in the quest to secure the Saloon. Hopeless with guns but means well.
WYATT TWERP
County Sheriff and in pursuit of Dick McDonald who is accused of illegal dealings and murder. Is in a relationship with Sapphire. He has been accused of murder himself, to further his own career.
DIRTY DICK MCDONALD
Ruthless railroad businessman who will stop at nothing to get his own way. Wants to buy the saloon to use as a railway station for the new track that will be coming to the town linking east with west.
MILKY BAR KID
Local cowboy who has always lived in Stodge City and grew up with Prospect Pete. They have always had a friendly rivalry. He also had an affair with Sapphire. There is doubt on who fathered Ruby.
SAPPHIRE STEELE
Twin sister of Sapphire. It is intended she is played by the same actor as Lil. Sapphire has a claim on the Rusty Spur as it was her money that was used to make the investment and was never repaid.
BIG CHIEF NOKIA
Local Indian Chief that can’t speak English. Minor part that could be played by a willing stagehand/new recruit or someone that just wants a minor part.
LITTLE TP MOBILE
Chief Nokia’s Indian Squaw Daughter, who arrives making a claim on the saloon as they believe it was built on an old Indian burial ground and the new constitution allows for such land to be returned to them.
WILL DIGAM
Local undertaker. Artful Dodger type character. Pops in and out whenever there is the likelihood of business.
JOSE
Mexican Lawman. Minor comical part. Can be played by Pete.
MURDER AT STODGE CITY SAMPLE SCRIPT
The scene is set in Diamond Lil's Bar, the Rusty Spur Saloon, in Stodge City. The audience is part of the saloon bar guests. There is a large table to represent a bar with a few bottles & glasses. Prospect Pete and his son Klondike Keith are already sat at one of the tables having a drink and playing cards. Diamon Lil is topping up their drinks and cleaning the bar etc. At the appropriate starting time she addresses the audience to introduce herself and some of the other characters.
DIAMOND LIL: Hi everyone and welcome to The Rusty Spur Saloon. Diamond Lil's saloon bar. As you might have guessed my name is...Diamond Lil. I own and run this little place in Stodge City. It's a big day today. My daughter Ruby is getting married right here in the saloon bar. Yeah, I'm the proudest Ma in town.
Peaches Divine enters and goes behind the bar to start work.
PEACHES DIVINE: Hi Lil, how’s it going? Wedding plans going ok? I see we got plenty of customers in tonight ready to watch the big day.
DIAMOND LIL: It’s going fine thanks. Just dandy. (To audience) This is Peaches Divine, one of my girls, and helps around the bar. She hasn’t been in town for long. Looking for a place to settle.
PEACHES DIVINE: I’m grateful for the opportunity to work here and settle down Lil.
DIAMOND LIL: Now, also in town today we have Prospect Pete.
PROSPECT PETE: (standing up and approaching the guests) Hi everyone. I'm Prospect Pete and this is my son Keith – better known as Klondike Keith. We're the local prospectors, or gold diggers as they say. Say Hi Son.
KLONDIKE KEITH: Hi Everyone.
PROSPECT PETE: That's my boy. Over to you Lil. I guess you're going to tell these good folks about us? (He sits back down)
DIAMOND LIL: They may as well know. Pete and I have a bit of history folks. We were married years back, but it never worked out. We drifted apart - especially when he had a fling with someone. (Hits Pete over the head sending his hat flying) He admitted it alright, but I never found out who it was. Did I Pete?
PROSPECT PETE: And my lips are still sealed, Lil. I ain't for telling
.
DIAMOND LIL: I'll get it out of you one of these days, and when I do, I'll do time for both of you!
KLONDIKE KEITH: Let it go, Lil. Pa has tried to move on, and so should you. Anyway, you haven't finished introducing our other regulars to your new customers.
DIAMOND LIL: Speaking of which, where is The Kid? Have you seen him Keith?
KLONDIKE KEITH: No. Have you seen him Pa?
PROSPECT PETE: No. Have you seen him Peaches?
PEACHES DIVINE: No. Have you seen him Lil?
DIAMOND LIL: It's like a flaming echo in here! That's what I was asking in the first place. Hang on, I think I hear something.
SFX – The Milky Bar Kid theme tune starts.
KLONDIKE KEITH: This sounds like he’s about to arrive.
The theme tune continues, and the Milky Bar Kid enters, suitably dressed in a white cowboy outfit.
ALL: (in a loud voice) It's the Milky Bar Kid.
MILKY BAR KID: The milky bars are on me.
Gives out some milky bars as he comes through the audience and finally approaches Lil.
MILKY BAR KID: How's it going Lil?
DIAMOND LIL: Well, we’ve got a good crowd in tonight, but generally speaking business could be a whole lot better.
MILKY BAR KID: You need more passing trade, Lil. A railway through this town would help.
DIAMOND LIL: Well I hope it comes soon. I'm struggling to keep this place going. Money's tight - speaking of which you still owe me.
MILKY BAR KID: You'll get your money, Lil.
PROSPECT PETE: (standing up and approaching them) Oh no you won't. You'll never see that thousand dollars he owes you Lil. I can't believe you were fool enough to lend it to him.
MILKY BAR KID: (squaring up to Pete) You stay out of this, shorty.
PROSPECT PETE: Who are you calling shorty?
MILKY BAR KID: You, sunshine. And what are You going to do about it?
PROSPECT PETE: Plenty. We’ve been fighting since we were kids and you haven’t won yet, so what makes you think you can win now?
MILKY BAR KID: There’s always a first time Pete, so come on. Do your worst.
They start to get in a shoot-out position.
KLONDIKE KEITH: Pa. Don't be so stupid.
The undertaker enters.
WILL DIGAM: Just a minute folks.
MILKY BAR KID: What do you want?
WILL DIGAM: Stand exactly where you are. (To the audience) Will Digam's the name, from Downe & Digam Undertakers.
He goes to The Kid & Pete and quickly starts measuring them up, length & width, with cloth tape measure he usually wears around his neck.
PROSPECT PETE: Have you quite finished?
WILL DIGAM: That will do for now. I'll give you my card. I'll be back in 5 minutes with the hearse. (He starts to exit) By the way, I've heard that Dirty Dick, the head of the railway company, is due in town. He should have some money to splash around.
The undertaker exits.
KLONDIKE KEITH: And from what I've heard the law is hot on his heels. He's as crooked as they come.
Enter Dirty Dick. SFX The Good, The Bad & The Ugly theme tune.
DIRTY DICK: Did anyone mention my name?
There is an air of suspense as Dick enters in a confident manner, eyeing up the surroundings. Lil slowly approaches Dick. Song (optional). Diamond Lil sings Big Spender.
DIRTY DICK: You must be Diamond Lil.
DIAMOND LIL: You guessed right. And to whom do I owe the pleasure?
DIRTY DICK: My name is Richard McDonald, but my friends call me Dick. I own the Express railway company and I'm investing in a new line to link the east coast with the west. Thousands of jobs will be created. And the line will be running through Stodge City.
DIAMOND LIL: That sounds great Dick.
DIRTY DICK: This town will be booming.
MILKY BAR KID: Good. Just what we needed.
DIRTY DICK: I have a proposition for you, Lil. I want to buy up your saloon. (General murmurs of “What?” “Buy the saloon?”etc., but Dick shouts over them to shut them up) This is an ideal route to lay the tracks for my new railway, and right here will be the site for the new Stodge City Rail Station.
DIAMOND LIL: But the town needs a saloon bar.
MILKY BAR KID: Yeah, you can’t have a town without a saloon bar. That doesn’t make sense.
DIRTY DICK: Hear me out. Linked to it will be a new concept in eating establishments. Just burgers and fries to start with and we’ll take it from there. My partner Big Mac & I have proved it works in other towns. The premises will still be licensed for alcohol, so those that want a drink won’t miss out.
DIAMOND LIL: But this saloon is my life.
DIRTY DICK: It will need a huge amount of investment if this place is to survive, Lil. The days of the old saloon bar will soon be a thing of the past, mark my words. I want to make you an offer you can't refuse.
DIAMOND LIL: This place is a traditional town with old-fashioned traditional values. I'm not for selling.
ALL: Hear, hear.
DIRTY DICK: Don't dismiss it, Lil. You could make a tidy sum of money if you sell now. The longer you hold on to this old place the more you'll lose out. I'll make you a great offer. Enough to retire comfortably. I hear your daughter is getting married. You'll be able to give them a good start in life. What do you say?
MILKY BAR KID: How much are you willing to pay?
PROSPECT PETE: Stay out of this, Kid. Don't sell Lil. This is your life. He can find another place for a station. This town needs a saloon bar.
KLONDIKE KEITH: You tell him Pa.
DIRTY DICK: Keep out of this sunshine. All of you stay out of it. It's a sound business proposition between me & Lil.
PROSPECT PETE: Over my dead body.
DIRTY DICK: That can easily be arranged. (Squaring up to Pete)
PROSPECT PETE: You don’t frighten me, Dick - or whatever your name is.
KLONDIKE KEITH: Pa, I wish you wouldn’t do this.
DIRTY DICK: Yeah, I wish you wouldn’t do this as well. I hate clearing up dead bodies after me.
PROSPECT PETE: I could easily take you out at 20 paces. Blindfolded.
DIRTY DICK: (walking to the other side of the room) I’d like to see you try. You really don’t know what you’re up against here.
PROSPECT PETE: Come on then. On the count of three. One. Two.
The undertaker suddenly enters.
WILL DIGAM: (loudly enough to stop everyone in their tracks) Stop! Stand exactly where you are.
KLONDIKE KEITH: Oh no, not again.
WILL DIGAM: (to Pete). Oh - I've already got your measurements.
He quickly heads towards Dirty Dick and measures him up and exits.
DIAMOND LIL: Okay, you two. That’s enough. There’s not going to be any shooting in this bar today. Let's go in the back and discuss your deal, Dick. Away from this lot. Has anyone seen Billy? He should be here by now ready to marry my daughter.
KLONDIKE KEITH: I saw him yesterday. We were out drinking, but not seen him since. He seemed in a bit of a funny mood.
PEACHES DIVINE: I think I know where I can find him.
DIAMOND LIL: Well get him here quick, whilst I sort this out. Come with me Dick.
Peaches exits, followed by Lil and Dick.
PROSPECT PETE: Did you take all that in Son? Dirty Dick McDonald wants to buy up the saloon, turn it into Stodge City rail station with a new eating place.
KLONDIKE KEITH: It’ll never work, but if you're right about the land this saloon is on, we need to make our move and make our own offer pretty damn quick. And we can't have Dirty Dick spoiling our patch. You'll have to deal with him.
PROSPECT PETE: We're in this together, don't forget. You and me both. There's definitely gold on this here land. We've seen the evidence.
KLONDIKE KEITH: This is would be a little goldmine for us. We've got enough cash to make a decent offer and we know that Lil is in a financial mess. All you need to do is get Dick McDonald out of the way
.
PROSPECT PETE: All we need to do is get Dick out of the way you mean. Any ideas? We need to act fast before Lil gets tempted to do the deal.
KLONDIKE KEITH: We need a big distraction to get her mind off this deal. Then we need to get McDonald out of the way so we can talk to Lil ourselves.
The undertaker enters.
WILL DIGAM: Attention everyone. I've just heard that Ruby is on her way. She's just coming round the mountain pass.
.
The undertaker exits.
PROSPECT PETE: Perfect timing. Go tell her Keith.
Keith goes towards exit and shouts for Lil.
KLONDIKE KEITH: Lil, Lil. Come out here quick. I've heard Ruby is on her way.
Lil & Dick enter followed by Peaches.
DIAMOND LIL: What was that about Ruby?
KLONDIKE KEITH: She's on her way Lil. Just coming round the mountain pass.
DIAMOND LIL: Great - let's get this wedding organised.
DIRTY DICK: Lil - we have this business deal to finish off? It can't wait.
DIAMOND LIL: It’ll have to wait. My daughter is coming round that mountain now.
Dick gets a drink and sits by himself at the table previously occupied by Pete & Keith. A short version of the song as everyone (except Dick) sings, She’ll be Coming Round the Mountain. As the song finishes Ruby enters dressed for a wedding. Song is optional.
DIAMOND LIL: Ruby, Ruby, Ruby Tuesday. Well I declare - you look lovely.
RUBY: Thanks Ma. Where's Billy? It's wedding time soon.
PEACHES DIVINE: You won't find him.
RUBY: You what?
PEACHES DIVINE: He's not getting married to you today or any other day.
RUBY: What are you saying Peaches?
PEACHES DIVINE: Billy is not in love with you. He's with me now.
RUBY: You? How dare you get your claws in my Billy.
PEACHES DIVINE: It was Billy making all the moves believe me.
RUBY: I don't believe you. Where is he?
PEACHES DIVINE: Waiting for me in the next town. I’ve finished here and off to meet him soon.
RUBY: Ma?
DIAMOND LIL: I’m as shocked as you are Ruby. I can’t believe this is happening.
RUBY: (to the Kid) Did you know?
MILKY BAR KID: Well I er...
RUBY: Pete? Keith? (They shrug their shoulders)
MILKY BAR KID: We had our suspicions, but? Sorry Ruby.
PEACHES DIVINE: See what I mean? Looks like I win, and you lose. You meant nothing to him. It's me he wanted all along.
RUBY: Get out - do you hear me? Get out of this saloon. And don't come back.
PEACHES DIVINE: Don't worry, I'm out of here. (Goes to exit)
DIAMOND LIL: And don’t come back. By the way, I haven't forgotten about your little secret.
PEACHES DIVINE: (coming back to Lil in a threatening manner) You keep your mouth shut Lil before I shut it permanently.
Peaches exits.
DIAMOND LIL
Owner of the Rusty Spur Saloon. Has lived in Stodge City all her life and used to be the barmaid there. Her twin sister Sapphire lent her the money to buy up the saloon when it became available, but they fell out big style. The money was never repaid, and Sapphire made it clear that the Saloon really belonged to her. Lil was married to Pete but it didn’t work out.
RUBY TUESDAY
Diamond Lil’s daughter. Or so she thought. She was really Sapphire’s daughter and Lil brought her up as her own. She has anger issues and likes a drink. Due to marry Billy but looks like she has been stood up as he now is in a relationship with Peaches.
PEACHES DIVINE
Recently arrived in Stodge City and managed to get a job at The Rusty Spur. She soon got friendly with Billy and they started an affair. She was the look-out girl for Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid, and the Mexican law have been trying to track her down for some time. Diamond Lil discovered her secret and was blackmailing Peaches under threat of going to the law.
PROSPECT PETE
Local prospector and was previously married to Lil. He also had an affair with Sapphire. Found evidence of gold on the land that the Rusty Spur is on and wants to buy Lil out so he could have control of it and make his fortune together with his son Keith.
Pete’s son and fellow prospector. He is with Pete in the quest to secure the Saloon. Hopeless with guns but means well.
WYATT TWERP
County Sheriff and in pursuit of Dick McDonald who is accused of illegal dealings and murder. Is in a relationship with Sapphire. He has been accused of murder himself, to further his own career.
DIRTY DICK MCDONALD
Ruthless railroad businessman who will stop at nothing to get his own way. Wants to buy the saloon to use as a railway station for the new track that will be coming to the town linking east with west.
MILKY BAR KID
Local cowboy who has always lived in Stodge City and grew up with Prospect Pete. They have always had a friendly rivalry. He also had an affair with Sapphire. There is doubt on who fathered Ruby.
SAPPHIRE STEELE
Twin sister of Sapphire. It is intended she is played by the same actor as Lil. Sapphire has a claim on the Rusty Spur as it was her money that was used to make the investment and was never repaid.
BIG CHIEF NOKIA
Local Indian Chief that can’t speak English. Minor part that could be played by a willing stagehand/new recruit or someone that just wants a minor part.
LITTLE TP MOBILE
Chief Nokia’s Indian Squaw Daughter, who arrives making a claim on the saloon as they believe it was built on an old Indian burial ground and the new constitution allows for such land to be returned to them.
WILL DIGAM
Local undertaker. Artful Dodger type character. Pops in and out whenever there is the likelihood of business.
JOSE
Mexican Lawman. Minor comical part. Can be played by Pete.
MURDER AT STODGE CITY SAMPLE SCRIPT
The scene is set in Diamond Lil's Bar, the Rusty Spur Saloon, in Stodge City. The audience is part of the saloon bar guests. There is a large table to represent a bar with a few bottles & glasses. Prospect Pete and his son Klondike Keith are already sat at one of the tables having a drink and playing cards. Diamon Lil is topping up their drinks and cleaning the bar etc. At the appropriate starting time she addresses the audience to introduce herself and some of the other characters.
DIAMOND LIL: Hi everyone and welcome to The Rusty Spur Saloon. Diamond Lil's saloon bar. As you might have guessed my name is...Diamond Lil. I own and run this little place in Stodge City. It's a big day today. My daughter Ruby is getting married right here in the saloon bar. Yeah, I'm the proudest Ma in town.
Peaches Divine enters and goes behind the bar to start work.
PEACHES DIVINE: Hi Lil, how’s it going? Wedding plans going ok? I see we got plenty of customers in tonight ready to watch the big day.
DIAMOND LIL: It’s going fine thanks. Just dandy. (To audience) This is Peaches Divine, one of my girls, and helps around the bar. She hasn’t been in town for long. Looking for a place to settle.
PEACHES DIVINE: I’m grateful for the opportunity to work here and settle down Lil.
DIAMOND LIL: Now, also in town today we have Prospect Pete.
PROSPECT PETE: (standing up and approaching the guests) Hi everyone. I'm Prospect Pete and this is my son Keith – better known as Klondike Keith. We're the local prospectors, or gold diggers as they say. Say Hi Son.
KLONDIKE KEITH: Hi Everyone.
PROSPECT PETE: That's my boy. Over to you Lil. I guess you're going to tell these good folks about us? (He sits back down)
DIAMOND LIL: They may as well know. Pete and I have a bit of history folks. We were married years back, but it never worked out. We drifted apart - especially when he had a fling with someone. (Hits Pete over the head sending his hat flying) He admitted it alright, but I never found out who it was. Did I Pete?
PROSPECT PETE: And my lips are still sealed, Lil. I ain't for telling
.
DIAMOND LIL: I'll get it out of you one of these days, and when I do, I'll do time for both of you!
KLONDIKE KEITH: Let it go, Lil. Pa has tried to move on, and so should you. Anyway, you haven't finished introducing our other regulars to your new customers.
DIAMOND LIL: Speaking of which, where is The Kid? Have you seen him Keith?
KLONDIKE KEITH: No. Have you seen him Pa?
PROSPECT PETE: No. Have you seen him Peaches?
PEACHES DIVINE: No. Have you seen him Lil?
DIAMOND LIL: It's like a flaming echo in here! That's what I was asking in the first place. Hang on, I think I hear something.
SFX – The Milky Bar Kid theme tune starts.
KLONDIKE KEITH: This sounds like he’s about to arrive.
The theme tune continues, and the Milky Bar Kid enters, suitably dressed in a white cowboy outfit.
ALL: (in a loud voice) It's the Milky Bar Kid.
MILKY BAR KID: The milky bars are on me.
Gives out some milky bars as he comes through the audience and finally approaches Lil.
MILKY BAR KID: How's it going Lil?
DIAMOND LIL: Well, we’ve got a good crowd in tonight, but generally speaking business could be a whole lot better.
MILKY BAR KID: You need more passing trade, Lil. A railway through this town would help.
DIAMOND LIL: Well I hope it comes soon. I'm struggling to keep this place going. Money's tight - speaking of which you still owe me.
MILKY BAR KID: You'll get your money, Lil.
PROSPECT PETE: (standing up and approaching them) Oh no you won't. You'll never see that thousand dollars he owes you Lil. I can't believe you were fool enough to lend it to him.
MILKY BAR KID: (squaring up to Pete) You stay out of this, shorty.
PROSPECT PETE: Who are you calling shorty?
MILKY BAR KID: You, sunshine. And what are You going to do about it?
PROSPECT PETE: Plenty. We’ve been fighting since we were kids and you haven’t won yet, so what makes you think you can win now?
MILKY BAR KID: There’s always a first time Pete, so come on. Do your worst.
They start to get in a shoot-out position.
KLONDIKE KEITH: Pa. Don't be so stupid.
The undertaker enters.
WILL DIGAM: Just a minute folks.
MILKY BAR KID: What do you want?
WILL DIGAM: Stand exactly where you are. (To the audience) Will Digam's the name, from Downe & Digam Undertakers.
He goes to The Kid & Pete and quickly starts measuring them up, length & width, with cloth tape measure he usually wears around his neck.
PROSPECT PETE: Have you quite finished?
WILL DIGAM: That will do for now. I'll give you my card. I'll be back in 5 minutes with the hearse. (He starts to exit) By the way, I've heard that Dirty Dick, the head of the railway company, is due in town. He should have some money to splash around.
The undertaker exits.
KLONDIKE KEITH: And from what I've heard the law is hot on his heels. He's as crooked as they come.
Enter Dirty Dick. SFX The Good, The Bad & The Ugly theme tune.
DIRTY DICK: Did anyone mention my name?
There is an air of suspense as Dick enters in a confident manner, eyeing up the surroundings. Lil slowly approaches Dick. Song (optional). Diamond Lil sings Big Spender.
DIRTY DICK: You must be Diamond Lil.
DIAMOND LIL: You guessed right. And to whom do I owe the pleasure?
DIRTY DICK: My name is Richard McDonald, but my friends call me Dick. I own the Express railway company and I'm investing in a new line to link the east coast with the west. Thousands of jobs will be created. And the line will be running through Stodge City.
DIAMOND LIL: That sounds great Dick.
DIRTY DICK: This town will be booming.
MILKY BAR KID: Good. Just what we needed.
DIRTY DICK: I have a proposition for you, Lil. I want to buy up your saloon. (General murmurs of “What?” “Buy the saloon?”etc., but Dick shouts over them to shut them up) This is an ideal route to lay the tracks for my new railway, and right here will be the site for the new Stodge City Rail Station.
DIAMOND LIL: But the town needs a saloon bar.
MILKY BAR KID: Yeah, you can’t have a town without a saloon bar. That doesn’t make sense.
DIRTY DICK: Hear me out. Linked to it will be a new concept in eating establishments. Just burgers and fries to start with and we’ll take it from there. My partner Big Mac & I have proved it works in other towns. The premises will still be licensed for alcohol, so those that want a drink won’t miss out.
DIAMOND LIL: But this saloon is my life.
DIRTY DICK: It will need a huge amount of investment if this place is to survive, Lil. The days of the old saloon bar will soon be a thing of the past, mark my words. I want to make you an offer you can't refuse.
DIAMOND LIL: This place is a traditional town with old-fashioned traditional values. I'm not for selling.
ALL: Hear, hear.
DIRTY DICK: Don't dismiss it, Lil. You could make a tidy sum of money if you sell now. The longer you hold on to this old place the more you'll lose out. I'll make you a great offer. Enough to retire comfortably. I hear your daughter is getting married. You'll be able to give them a good start in life. What do you say?
MILKY BAR KID: How much are you willing to pay?
PROSPECT PETE: Stay out of this, Kid. Don't sell Lil. This is your life. He can find another place for a station. This town needs a saloon bar.
KLONDIKE KEITH: You tell him Pa.
DIRTY DICK: Keep out of this sunshine. All of you stay out of it. It's a sound business proposition between me & Lil.
PROSPECT PETE: Over my dead body.
DIRTY DICK: That can easily be arranged. (Squaring up to Pete)
PROSPECT PETE: You don’t frighten me, Dick - or whatever your name is.
KLONDIKE KEITH: Pa, I wish you wouldn’t do this.
DIRTY DICK: Yeah, I wish you wouldn’t do this as well. I hate clearing up dead bodies after me.
PROSPECT PETE: I could easily take you out at 20 paces. Blindfolded.
DIRTY DICK: (walking to the other side of the room) I’d like to see you try. You really don’t know what you’re up against here.
PROSPECT PETE: Come on then. On the count of three. One. Two.
The undertaker suddenly enters.
WILL DIGAM: (loudly enough to stop everyone in their tracks) Stop! Stand exactly where you are.
KLONDIKE KEITH: Oh no, not again.
WILL DIGAM: (to Pete). Oh - I've already got your measurements.
He quickly heads towards Dirty Dick and measures him up and exits.
DIAMOND LIL: Okay, you two. That’s enough. There’s not going to be any shooting in this bar today. Let's go in the back and discuss your deal, Dick. Away from this lot. Has anyone seen Billy? He should be here by now ready to marry my daughter.
KLONDIKE KEITH: I saw him yesterday. We were out drinking, but not seen him since. He seemed in a bit of a funny mood.
PEACHES DIVINE: I think I know where I can find him.
DIAMOND LIL: Well get him here quick, whilst I sort this out. Come with me Dick.
Peaches exits, followed by Lil and Dick.
PROSPECT PETE: Did you take all that in Son? Dirty Dick McDonald wants to buy up the saloon, turn it into Stodge City rail station with a new eating place.
KLONDIKE KEITH: It’ll never work, but if you're right about the land this saloon is on, we need to make our move and make our own offer pretty damn quick. And we can't have Dirty Dick spoiling our patch. You'll have to deal with him.
PROSPECT PETE: We're in this together, don't forget. You and me both. There's definitely gold on this here land. We've seen the evidence.
KLONDIKE KEITH: This is would be a little goldmine for us. We've got enough cash to make a decent offer and we know that Lil is in a financial mess. All you need to do is get Dick McDonald out of the way
.
PROSPECT PETE: All we need to do is get Dick out of the way you mean. Any ideas? We need to act fast before Lil gets tempted to do the deal.
KLONDIKE KEITH: We need a big distraction to get her mind off this deal. Then we need to get McDonald out of the way so we can talk to Lil ourselves.
The undertaker enters.
WILL DIGAM: Attention everyone. I've just heard that Ruby is on her way. She's just coming round the mountain pass.
.
The undertaker exits.
PROSPECT PETE: Perfect timing. Go tell her Keith.
Keith goes towards exit and shouts for Lil.
KLONDIKE KEITH: Lil, Lil. Come out here quick. I've heard Ruby is on her way.
Lil & Dick enter followed by Peaches.
DIAMOND LIL: What was that about Ruby?
KLONDIKE KEITH: She's on her way Lil. Just coming round the mountain pass.
DIAMOND LIL: Great - let's get this wedding organised.
DIRTY DICK: Lil - we have this business deal to finish off? It can't wait.
DIAMOND LIL: It’ll have to wait. My daughter is coming round that mountain now.
Dick gets a drink and sits by himself at the table previously occupied by Pete & Keith. A short version of the song as everyone (except Dick) sings, She’ll be Coming Round the Mountain. As the song finishes Ruby enters dressed for a wedding. Song is optional.
DIAMOND LIL: Ruby, Ruby, Ruby Tuesday. Well I declare - you look lovely.
RUBY: Thanks Ma. Where's Billy? It's wedding time soon.
PEACHES DIVINE: You won't find him.
RUBY: You what?
PEACHES DIVINE: He's not getting married to you today or any other day.
RUBY: What are you saying Peaches?
PEACHES DIVINE: Billy is not in love with you. He's with me now.
RUBY: You? How dare you get your claws in my Billy.
PEACHES DIVINE: It was Billy making all the moves believe me.
RUBY: I don't believe you. Where is he?
PEACHES DIVINE: Waiting for me in the next town. I’ve finished here and off to meet him soon.
RUBY: Ma?
DIAMOND LIL: I’m as shocked as you are Ruby. I can’t believe this is happening.
RUBY: (to the Kid) Did you know?
MILKY BAR KID: Well I er...
RUBY: Pete? Keith? (They shrug their shoulders)
MILKY BAR KID: We had our suspicions, but? Sorry Ruby.
PEACHES DIVINE: See what I mean? Looks like I win, and you lose. You meant nothing to him. It's me he wanted all along.
RUBY: Get out - do you hear me? Get out of this saloon. And don't come back.
PEACHES DIVINE: Don't worry, I'm out of here. (Goes to exit)
DIAMOND LIL: And don’t come back. By the way, I haven't forgotten about your little secret.
PEACHES DIVINE: (coming back to Lil in a threatening manner) You keep your mouth shut Lil before I shut it permanently.
Peaches exits.
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