Murder at SeaComedy murder mystery play
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CHARACTERSList of "murder at sea" characters
Ben Dover – Cruise Director
Capt. Phil McAvity – Ship’s Captain Jack Spanner – Apprentice Ship’s Mechanic Dr Lance Boyle – Ship’s Doctor Paris Zeta Moll – Ship’s Nurse Caroliner Moon – Entertainments Manager Poppy Field – Asst. Entertainments Manager Willy Boyle – Chef Penny Farthing – Bursar Health & Safety Officer (On-board Detective) |
MURDER AT SEA PLAY SYNOPSIS
Cast: Minimum with doubling 5 male, 4 female parts (or 4m, 5f) The Health & Safety Office could be male or female. Also The mechanic & Bursar could be male or female with minimum changes to the script.
The Happy Wanderer and its hapless crew are about to set sail for a one-night taster cruise to promote the newly refurbished Happy Wanderer. The Captain makes a few enemies as he reveals some of the crew’s secrets. Tragedy strikes as he is seen in the water, and accusations fly as to who could have thrown him overboard. Was he thrown or was it an accident? And was it really the Captain that went overboard?
Murder at Sea has been written as a murder mystery event where the audience can sit back and enjoy this light hearted play and also , if they wish, to try and work out who the murderer is and uncover the motive. Prizes are awarded to the winners.
There is minimum set involved and can be done completely in the round or with some of the action being on-stage.
Murder at Sea works well when combined with refreshments or a hot-pot supper in the interval. It also works well when performed in an actual library.
The Happy Wanderer and its hapless crew are about to set sail for a one-night taster cruise to promote the newly refurbished Happy Wanderer. The Captain makes a few enemies as he reveals some of the crew’s secrets. Tragedy strikes as he is seen in the water, and accusations fly as to who could have thrown him overboard. Was he thrown or was it an accident? And was it really the Captain that went overboard?
Murder at Sea has been written as a murder mystery event where the audience can sit back and enjoy this light hearted play and also , if they wish, to try and work out who the murderer is and uncover the motive. Prizes are awarded to the winners.
There is minimum set involved and can be done completely in the round or with some of the action being on-stage.
Murder at Sea works well when combined with refreshments or a hot-pot supper in the interval. It also works well when performed in an actual library.
Purchase and Download A DIGITAL COpy
Downloads of scripts can be purchased via stageplays.com from the link below
Murder at Sea is also available in A5 book form with glossy cover - please contact me directly.
Purchase A5 Book
MURDER AT SEA SAMPLE SCRIPT - CLICK ON BOX BELOW
To read the sample script of Murder at Sea by Chris Shelstone
MURDER AT SEA SAMPLE SCRIPT
SAMPLE SCRIPT FOR MURDER AT SEA
It's the welcome meeting on board the Happy Wanderer, about to set sail for a one-night taster cruise. During the time when passengers start to come on board, (i.e. audience guests arriving) a Health & Safety Officer is on hand to give out complimentary drinks, show passengers the drill in event of emergency and to make sure they have everything they need. He is really an on-board detective, which is revealed later. In the meantime, he settles himself down, out of the way and remains inconspicuous to everyone and takes no part in the proceedings until the end. Ben, the Cruise Director enters and introduces himself to all the passengers and introduces some of the key personnel.
BEN DOVER: Welcome aboard our cruise liner The Happy Wanderer. (Starts to sing first few words - I love to go a wandering) Oh happy days. I am your cruise Director Ben Dover for this one-night taster special cruise from the newly refurbished and redeveloped Freckleton Boat Yard to Blackpool South Pier (or local town/seaside town). We hope after being on this taster cruise we can tempt you on one of our longer voyagers. This is my first appointment on a Cruise Ship, I was chosen for the job because of my years of experience in general management of special events. I know how to organise people to create a trip never to be forgotten. We have spared no expense to make sure you have a memorable cruise. The Happy Wanderer, formerly called The Armitage Shanks, has been fully refurbished and updated to the incorporate all the latest technology. Entertainment is world class, food is divine, and our crew, who I will introduce you to very soon, are all trained to the highest standard. It's a brand-new crew, selected especially by our top management. Captain McAvity for example, has been fast tracked up the Cruise liner directorship programme and has recently been on special duties on one of the biggest ocean-going liners - The Incontinence of the Seas. Now just to get a few details out of the way - your luggage is being transported to your cabins as we speak. As regards safety drill, we believe it interrupts the cruise too much to get everyone together crammed into a tiny room where there are not enough seats for everyone. You have to wait ages for everyone to be present and all that nonsense - so we have a special Health & Safety advisor on board who will come and see you individually to instruct you on the safety drill. Some of you will have already been through that process I understand. (He stands up briefly and makes himself known) After this introduction meeting, we have laid on a special Hot Pot Supper with Apple Pie by world renowned Michelin star Chef Miriam (Or local Hot-Pot supplier). I think it's about time we meet our Captain.
Capt. Phil McAvity enters.
CAPT.: Stand by your beds.
BEN: Captain McAvity.
CAPT.: Ben.
BEN: Phil. (To passengers) Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome our Captain Phil McAvity.
CAPT.: Thank you everyone.
BEN: Are we ready to set sail yet Captain?
CAPT.: Just waiting for the Pilot to guide us out of the estuary.
BEN: The Pilot? We're on a boat here.
CAPT.: Ship.
BEN: What?
CAPT.: We are on a ship, not a boat Ben.
BEN: Ship, boat - It's all the same.
CAPT.: No - you don't understand. Oh, never mind, I'll explain later. Have you introduced any of the crew yet?
BEN: I was just about to do that Captain. (Calls out to off stage) Ok you lot, look lively. By the left, quick march.
The rest of the crew enter and line up on the stage. Jack leads the way, followed by Dr Lance Boyle, Paris, Caroliner, Poppy & Penny. Jack is suitably dressed in a boiler suit, holding a spanner, Dr Boyle could be in a white coat, and Paris in a nurse’s uniform.
BEN: Welcome everyone. As you know the Captain and I have not been formally introduced to you, although I have met some of you before. So, for those who have not met us yet allow me to introduce you to Captain Philip McAvity & myself your Cruise Director Ben Dover. Ben to you.
JACK: (to the others who all laugh) Ben Dover & Phil McAvity.
BEN: I didn't hear that.
JACK: (raising his voice) I said Ben Dover...
BEN: Stop right there, young man. I'll see your Manager afterwards. Captain?
CAPT.: Now then. We pride ourselves on being the best Cruise Line in the business, so Mr Dover and I are relying on you to service our passengers and make sure they have a cruise to remember. Yes?
ALL: Yes.
CAPT.: I’m sorry, I didn't hear that.
ALL: (louder) Yes.
CAPT.: Yes What?
ALL: (louder in a military style) Yes Captain sir.
CAPT.: Thank you. Over to you Ben to introduce your staff to the passengers.
BEN: Thank you Captain. Now Ladies & Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to some of our Crew. We pride ourselves on recruiting the highest trained personnel on this bo…ship. (Looking at Captain) I've asked a selection of them from various departments to come along to this meeting and introduce themselves. Some of them are as new to me as your good selves so, now then let me see. (Referring to his clipboard) The ships comedian must be representing maintenance.
JACK: Jack Spanner Sir. The Chief Engineer is getting ready to sail, so he sent me along.
BEN: Thank you Jack. Tell our passengers what your duties are.
JACK: I'm the apprentice mechanic. I help keep the engines running smoothly, do lots of checks and that. Basic stuff really. I also help maintain the cabins if there are any problems with the plumbing etc.
Dr Boyle & Nurse Paris have started to giggle.
BEN: All right calm down, calm down. What are you two laughing at?
Dr BOYLE: Nothing sir.
Ben glares at Paris.
PARIS: I was just thinking sir that my cabin has a bit of a leak and perhaps Jack could come along and have a look at my plumbing.
BEN: Report it to maintenance, and they will allocate someone to see to it. (Refers to Dr Boyle) Now then, Dr Boyle I presume?
Dr BOYLE: Present and correct sir. (To the passengers) You can address me as Dr Lance. This is my first position on a cruise ship.
BEN: (to passengers) Dr Lance Boyle will be available if you need to see a doctor for anything, ably assisted by nurse Paris.
JACK: (to Dr Boyle) I've been feeling a bit yucky recently.
Dr BOYLE: Have you now? Tongue out and let's have a look. (Checks his mouth with a disposable wooden spoon and then looks into his eyes. Dr Boyle is right-handed.) Goodness gracious me, I do not like the look of that grey spec in your eye.
JACK: Oh, that’s always been there. Nothing to worry about.
BEN: Never mind about his eye. There's a rumour going round that a certain Dr Boyle has just won the lottery. Is this true?
Dr BOYLE: It certainly is. 35 million on the euro lottery. Got the call yesterday.
All act accordingly – wow, that’s great, what are you doing here then, etc.
CAROLINER: Yes, so why are you here? You should be heading off to the Bahamas, not working on a one-night taster cruise to Blackpool.
Dr BOYLE: I thought this little trip will give me a chance to think about what to do. Besides, you have a more than qualified nurse on board that will take care of most things. (Referring to Paris) I will be making myself scarce most of the time unless urgently needed.
CAPT.: Where's the Head Chef?
BEN: Pardon Captain?
CAPT.: The Head Chef. He should be here.
BEN: (referring to clip board) You're right. Where is the Head Chef?
Dr BOYLE: That'll be my twin brother William. He got me the job on board. He's feeling a bit seasick.
BEN: Seasick? The boat's not even moving yet!
CAPT.: Ship.
BEN: What?
CAPT.: The Ship's not even moving yet.
BEN: Yes, yes - that's what I said. (To Dr Boyle) Go and get him. I can't believe this. A lottery winning doctor, with a Twin Brother Chef who is seasick before we’ve even left port.
Dr BOYLE: But…
BEN: Get him.
Dr BOYLE: Yes sir.
Dr Boyle exits.
JACK: Not a good start is it sir?
BEN: Shut it Jack. Let’s carry on. (Refers to clipboard again) Another new face. Nurse Paris is it?
PARIS: That's me. Paris Moll sir.
BEN: Paris Moll. That's an unusual name. Do you have a middle name?
PARIS: Yes sir.
BEN: Which is? If you don’t mind me asking.
PARIS: No, I don’t mind you asking at all sir.
They stare at each other, both expecting the other to speak.
BEN: And your middle name is?
PARIS: Oh, yes sir. It’s Zeta.
BEN: Paris Zeta Moll.
PARIS: You’ve got it sir.
BEN: I’ll just call you Paris. Virgin cruise?
PARIS: I beg your pardon?
BEN: First time on board.
PARIS: Oh no sir. I’ve been on lots of cruise ships as a nurse, but this is my first job with this cruise company.
BEN: Well according to my notes here, you’re more than qualified to look after the passengers.
JACK: I bet she is.
BEN: Final warning Jack. You’ve already got a yellow card.
JACK: Sorry Ben. Sir.
PARIS: I would just like to say to all our fellow passengers that I hope you have a healthy journey, but if you are feeling unwell in any way, come and see me and I am sure I can get you feeling better in no time.
BEN: I bet you can. (As an aside) Thank you Paris. Now then. Allow me to introduce you to the 2 people that head up our Entertainments Team. Caroliner Moon our entertainments manager and assistant Poppy Field. The Happy Wanderer prides itself in top class entertainment with world class acts. What have we got in store this week Caroliner?
CAROLINER: Well, we're still putting finishing touches on some of the entertainment.
CAPT.: What do you mean finishing touches? You should be well rehearsed, up and running and ready to go by now.
CAROLINER: Yes well, as you know, we've had a few recruitment issues, but everything's under control isn't it Poppy?
POPPY: Well it would be if you’d sorted out the acting agency properly.
CAROLINER: Excuse me. You can't lay that one on me. You were supposed to make all the final arrangements. I gave you the job to do and you screwed up.
BEN: Ladies, ladies. I'm sure we can sort this out. Do we have an entertainments program? Yes or No?
BOTH: Yes/No. (One saying Yes, the other No)
BOTH: No/Yes. (One saying No, the other Yes)
CAPT.: I don't believe this.
BEN: Look I'm sure everything will be right on the night. We need to pull together. We are the Happy Wanderer remember. (Goes into the son) I love to go a wandering... yes well. (Looking at watch) Where's that Head Chef? Time's getting on here. Now then Who's left?
PENNY: Penny Sir. Penny Farthing. Bursar.
BEN: Yes, well you would be I suppose.
PENNY: If any of the passengers need any foreign currency exchanging, then please come and see me for a competitive rate.
POPPY: But we're only going to Blackpool.
PENNY: (to Poppy) I know that. I'm just saying. (To Passengers) I also make up the bills at the end of your cruise and arrange to take your payment.
BEN: Very Good, thank you.
PENNY: And if you require any cash to go ashore, I can arrange that as well. Saves time trying to find a cash machine.
POPPY: (making the point) But we're only going to Blackpool.
PENNY: I know - I'm just saying.
Chef Willy Boyle enters and joins the line-up. It is obvious it is the same actor with a change of clothing.
BEN: Yes, well thank you ladies. Ah, there you are. Glad you could join us. Feeling better, are we?
CHEF BOYLE: A bit better thanks.
BEN: So, the lottery winning Doctor Boyle is your twin Brother.
CHEF BOYLE: Correct.
BEN: Congratulations. A life changing amount of money.
CHEF BOYLE: For him maybe. I don't expect to see a penny out of it.
BEN: Yes well, Ladies & Gentlemen allow me to introduce you to our Head Chef Mr Boyle.
CHEF BOYLE: But you can call me Chef Willy.
JACK: Why?
CHEF BOYLE: I beg your pardon.
JACK: Why do we call you Chef Willy?
CHEF BOYLE: Because that’s my name young man. William Boyle, but my friends call me Willy, or Chef Willy.
JACK: So, we have a new Chef called Willy Boyle and his twin brother, the new Doctor, called Lance Boyle. Unbelievable.
CAPT.: Can we move things along Ben. Time is getting on.
BEN: Yes of course. (Approaches Chef Willy with clipboard) Now then, here is the latest food consignment that I took delivery of earlier. Extra meat stuff you ordered. Just needs your signature. I checked it all.
CHEF BOYLE: (signs with his left hand) No problem - there you go.
BEN: Good - well you had better go and get some rest. We need you fit and well as soon as possible. You are dismissed.
CHEF BOYLE: (starts to exit) Thank you.
BEN: Oh and tell your Twin Brother the Doctor that I want to see him again. Straight away.
CHEF BOYLE: (looking a bit uncomfortable at the thought) What, you mean straight away?
BEN: Yes, straight away. Now. You heard what the Captain said. We need to keep things moving. We have a schedule to keep.
CHEF BOYLE: Yes, I know but….
BEN: Now Chef if you don’t mind. And be quick about it.
CHEF BOYLE: Ok, Ok. (Looks to the passengers, shrugging his shoulders)
Chef Boyle exits.
BEN: Ok you lot. You are dismissed and get on with your duties, except you Caroliner and Poppy. I think the Captain will probably need to see you.
All exit except Caroliner & Poppy. They go to join the Captain & Ben.
CAPT.: Now then, I need you both to re-assure Ben & myself that the entertainment is all organised for tonight.
CAROLINER: Well it would be if smarty pants here had done as I asked and checked that the agency had secured enough people for us.
POPPY: Don't try and pin that on me. You knew we were struggling to get the team together, yet you did nothing to help sort it.
CAROLINER: I gave you clear instructions what to do. It just shows that you're not cut out for this job.
POPPY: You're not getting away with this. It's not my fault. Let's face it Caroliner you can't cut it anymore. You should be put out to pasture with the other old hags on this ship.
CAROLINER: (squaring up face to face with poppy) Why you little...
POPPY: You don't scare me. The Living Dead maybe.
BEN: Now then Ladies, that's enough. Am I to believe we have no entertainments program for tonight?
BOTH: Yes - and it's her fault.
CAPT.: Right, enough of this. I’m making an executive decision. It's about time we had a younger fresher approach to our entertainments team so I have decided with immediate effect Poppy here will be entertainments manager.
CAROLINER: Hang on a minute Captain. You can't do that to me. I'm under contract to head up the team for this cruise.
CAPT.: Well it looks like to me you've made a mess of it already and you can’t control your own staff. You can help the sound people.
CAROLINER: You've got to be joking. I'm not going anywhere near that lot. They're as useless as a chocolate fireguard. I'd rather watch paint dry.
OFF-STAGE: Oy you. I heard that.
CAPT.: Then watch paint dry you shall. That’s just the type of attitude we don’t want to see from our staff. Get out and stay out of my sight.
CAROLINER: You’re not going to do this to me. I have my rights. I'll talk to Head Office.
Caroliner storms off.
BEN: Captain McAvity. Phil. Don’t be too hasty. Caroliner may be not have been all to blame.
CAPT.: I've made my decision. Now it's up to you and Poppy to get some entertainment sorted for tonight.
BEN: But you heard what they said. We have no entertainers.
CAPT.: Then use your initiative and do something about it. That's what you're paid for. Now, I’m sure you have other duties to take care of as well? I’ll send Poppy to find you after we’ve finished our little chat.
BEN: (exiting) Very well. I’ll speak to you both later.
CAPT.: Now then Poppy. I am sure you will do a good job sorting things out. We need someone young like you to run things. Put your stamp on it. Appeal to the younger element of our cruises. And if you do a good job, I can be very generous.
POPPY: What do you mean Captain?
CAPT.: Come on Poppy. I've heard you want success, and you'll go to any lengths to get there. Let’s just see how far you want to go shall we?
POPPY: I've no idea what you've heard Captain, but I succeed on my own merits. And if you think there's strings attached to this job then I'm cutting them right now. You can stick your Managers job.
Poppy storms off and Dr Boyle enters.
CAPT.: That went well then!
Dr BOYLE: (approaching Capt.) I was erm, looking for Ben. He wanted to see me.
CAPT.: You've just missed him. I think he went looking for Caroliner. Have you seen your brother, the Chef? I need to go over the menus for tonight.
Dr BOYLE: (looking worried) Erm, No.
CAPT.: Well put a call out for me, will you?
Dr BOYLE: What now?
CAPT.: Yes now.
Dr BOYLE: Right now?
CAPT.: Yes, right now.
Dr BOYLE: You mean, right now this minute? (Still looking worried)
CAPT.: Doctor Boyle, you may have just won the lottery, but what bit of right now this minute do you not understand?
Dr BOYLE: But...
CAPT.: I am fast losing my patience with you. Get Chef here now.
Dr BOYLE: (exiting) Ok, Ok. (To passengers) He's very rude, isn't he? I don't think he'll last long on this cruise line.
Captain goes to one side to check some papers. Jack appears on deck followed by Penny, unaware that the Captain is within ear shot. Jack still has his spanner in hand.
PENNY: Jack. I need to talk to you.
JACK: What's up?
PENNY: There's going to be an audit on the petty cash soon, so I need that money back.
JACK: You'll have to wait a bit longer. I've had a bad run.
PENNY: But you promised. I can't wait any longer.
JACK: Like I said…
PENNY: I've put my job on the line for you Jack. Your gambling is getting out of hand.
CAPT.: (making himself known) Getting out of hand is it?
PENNY: Captain. Where did you come from?
CAPT.: The facts of life aren't important right now. I'm more interested in Jack's gambling habits and your unauthorized loan from petty cash. How much?
PENNY: It was nothing. Just a small temporary loan until...
CAPT.: At the risk of repeating myself - how much?
JACK: Three thousand.
CAPT.: A small temporary loan eh? So, what am I going to do with you two then?
PENNY: I can explain.
CAPT.: No need for explanations. It wasn't all that long ago you know, that people like you were thrown overboard. Maybe I won’t go as far as that but...
JACK: But what?
CAPT.: Well, there's two ways we can deal with this. One - I suspend the both of you without pay with immediate effect and put in a full report to Head Office. You will most likely be sacked and never get a job on any cruise ship ever again. Or…
PENNY: Or what?
CAPT.: Or maybe we can come to some arrangement.
JACK: What arrangement?
CAPT.: I could authorize the loan, getting you off the hook Penny, and you Jack, can pay me back direct from your wages over a period of time.
JACK: That sounds like a good deal Captain. What do you say Penny?
CAPT.: Oh, there is the small matter of interest of course. Let's say 200%?
BOTH: 200%?
CAPT.: Is that not enough? Let's call it 250% then. Wonga charges much more. I don't think your pay packet quite covers the monthly payments Jack, so you'll need help from your friend here. I'll get the forms prepared for you to sign the repayments over to me until everything, including the interest is paid in full.
Captain starts to walk down to the bar area.
PENNY: You can't get away with this. What are we going to live on?
CAPT.: You won't starve on a cruise ship. I'll make sure your job is safe for future cruises. Until you've both paid me of course. The alternative is.... well not nice even thinking about it is it?
JACK: You can't do this.
CAPT.: I think you’ll find that I can Jack.
JACK: (following Captain with spanner in hand) Now look here Captain.
CAPT.: I hope you’re not trying to threaten me Jack. That would never do. Oh, by the way I’ve been doing some checks on your CV.
JACK: What do you mean?
CAPT.: (waving his CV around) Your last job at Watlins Holiday Camp. Cutting corners with plumbing. Giving holiday makers lots of problems with flooding in their chalets.
JACK: That wasn't my fault. I had a budget to work to.
CAPT.: Oh, come now. Once could be a mistake maybe, twice careless, but 3 times? I think we've also been a little economical with the truth with your CV. Listing qualifications you haven’t got.
JACK: (backing off) You’ve got it all wrong Captain.
PENNY: Come on Jack. Let’s get out of here. We’ve got work to do.
CAPT.: Yes, you toddle off and busy yourselves.
Jack and Penny start to exit as Dr Boyle and Paris enters. Paris is holding a clipboard.
It's the welcome meeting on board the Happy Wanderer, about to set sail for a one-night taster cruise. During the time when passengers start to come on board, (i.e. audience guests arriving) a Health & Safety Officer is on hand to give out complimentary drinks, show passengers the drill in event of emergency and to make sure they have everything they need. He is really an on-board detective, which is revealed later. In the meantime, he settles himself down, out of the way and remains inconspicuous to everyone and takes no part in the proceedings until the end. Ben, the Cruise Director enters and introduces himself to all the passengers and introduces some of the key personnel.
BEN DOVER: Welcome aboard our cruise liner The Happy Wanderer. (Starts to sing first few words - I love to go a wandering) Oh happy days. I am your cruise Director Ben Dover for this one-night taster special cruise from the newly refurbished and redeveloped Freckleton Boat Yard to Blackpool South Pier (or local town/seaside town). We hope after being on this taster cruise we can tempt you on one of our longer voyagers. This is my first appointment on a Cruise Ship, I was chosen for the job because of my years of experience in general management of special events. I know how to organise people to create a trip never to be forgotten. We have spared no expense to make sure you have a memorable cruise. The Happy Wanderer, formerly called The Armitage Shanks, has been fully refurbished and updated to the incorporate all the latest technology. Entertainment is world class, food is divine, and our crew, who I will introduce you to very soon, are all trained to the highest standard. It's a brand-new crew, selected especially by our top management. Captain McAvity for example, has been fast tracked up the Cruise liner directorship programme and has recently been on special duties on one of the biggest ocean-going liners - The Incontinence of the Seas. Now just to get a few details out of the way - your luggage is being transported to your cabins as we speak. As regards safety drill, we believe it interrupts the cruise too much to get everyone together crammed into a tiny room where there are not enough seats for everyone. You have to wait ages for everyone to be present and all that nonsense - so we have a special Health & Safety advisor on board who will come and see you individually to instruct you on the safety drill. Some of you will have already been through that process I understand. (He stands up briefly and makes himself known) After this introduction meeting, we have laid on a special Hot Pot Supper with Apple Pie by world renowned Michelin star Chef Miriam (Or local Hot-Pot supplier). I think it's about time we meet our Captain.
Capt. Phil McAvity enters.
CAPT.: Stand by your beds.
BEN: Captain McAvity.
CAPT.: Ben.
BEN: Phil. (To passengers) Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome our Captain Phil McAvity.
CAPT.: Thank you everyone.
BEN: Are we ready to set sail yet Captain?
CAPT.: Just waiting for the Pilot to guide us out of the estuary.
BEN: The Pilot? We're on a boat here.
CAPT.: Ship.
BEN: What?
CAPT.: We are on a ship, not a boat Ben.
BEN: Ship, boat - It's all the same.
CAPT.: No - you don't understand. Oh, never mind, I'll explain later. Have you introduced any of the crew yet?
BEN: I was just about to do that Captain. (Calls out to off stage) Ok you lot, look lively. By the left, quick march.
The rest of the crew enter and line up on the stage. Jack leads the way, followed by Dr Lance Boyle, Paris, Caroliner, Poppy & Penny. Jack is suitably dressed in a boiler suit, holding a spanner, Dr Boyle could be in a white coat, and Paris in a nurse’s uniform.
BEN: Welcome everyone. As you know the Captain and I have not been formally introduced to you, although I have met some of you before. So, for those who have not met us yet allow me to introduce you to Captain Philip McAvity & myself your Cruise Director Ben Dover. Ben to you.
JACK: (to the others who all laugh) Ben Dover & Phil McAvity.
BEN: I didn't hear that.
JACK: (raising his voice) I said Ben Dover...
BEN: Stop right there, young man. I'll see your Manager afterwards. Captain?
CAPT.: Now then. We pride ourselves on being the best Cruise Line in the business, so Mr Dover and I are relying on you to service our passengers and make sure they have a cruise to remember. Yes?
ALL: Yes.
CAPT.: I’m sorry, I didn't hear that.
ALL: (louder) Yes.
CAPT.: Yes What?
ALL: (louder in a military style) Yes Captain sir.
CAPT.: Thank you. Over to you Ben to introduce your staff to the passengers.
BEN: Thank you Captain. Now Ladies & Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to some of our Crew. We pride ourselves on recruiting the highest trained personnel on this bo…ship. (Looking at Captain) I've asked a selection of them from various departments to come along to this meeting and introduce themselves. Some of them are as new to me as your good selves so, now then let me see. (Referring to his clipboard) The ships comedian must be representing maintenance.
JACK: Jack Spanner Sir. The Chief Engineer is getting ready to sail, so he sent me along.
BEN: Thank you Jack. Tell our passengers what your duties are.
JACK: I'm the apprentice mechanic. I help keep the engines running smoothly, do lots of checks and that. Basic stuff really. I also help maintain the cabins if there are any problems with the plumbing etc.
Dr Boyle & Nurse Paris have started to giggle.
BEN: All right calm down, calm down. What are you two laughing at?
Dr BOYLE: Nothing sir.
Ben glares at Paris.
PARIS: I was just thinking sir that my cabin has a bit of a leak and perhaps Jack could come along and have a look at my plumbing.
BEN: Report it to maintenance, and they will allocate someone to see to it. (Refers to Dr Boyle) Now then, Dr Boyle I presume?
Dr BOYLE: Present and correct sir. (To the passengers) You can address me as Dr Lance. This is my first position on a cruise ship.
BEN: (to passengers) Dr Lance Boyle will be available if you need to see a doctor for anything, ably assisted by nurse Paris.
JACK: (to Dr Boyle) I've been feeling a bit yucky recently.
Dr BOYLE: Have you now? Tongue out and let's have a look. (Checks his mouth with a disposable wooden spoon and then looks into his eyes. Dr Boyle is right-handed.) Goodness gracious me, I do not like the look of that grey spec in your eye.
JACK: Oh, that’s always been there. Nothing to worry about.
BEN: Never mind about his eye. There's a rumour going round that a certain Dr Boyle has just won the lottery. Is this true?
Dr BOYLE: It certainly is. 35 million on the euro lottery. Got the call yesterday.
All act accordingly – wow, that’s great, what are you doing here then, etc.
CAROLINER: Yes, so why are you here? You should be heading off to the Bahamas, not working on a one-night taster cruise to Blackpool.
Dr BOYLE: I thought this little trip will give me a chance to think about what to do. Besides, you have a more than qualified nurse on board that will take care of most things. (Referring to Paris) I will be making myself scarce most of the time unless urgently needed.
CAPT.: Where's the Head Chef?
BEN: Pardon Captain?
CAPT.: The Head Chef. He should be here.
BEN: (referring to clip board) You're right. Where is the Head Chef?
Dr BOYLE: That'll be my twin brother William. He got me the job on board. He's feeling a bit seasick.
BEN: Seasick? The boat's not even moving yet!
CAPT.: Ship.
BEN: What?
CAPT.: The Ship's not even moving yet.
BEN: Yes, yes - that's what I said. (To Dr Boyle) Go and get him. I can't believe this. A lottery winning doctor, with a Twin Brother Chef who is seasick before we’ve even left port.
Dr BOYLE: But…
BEN: Get him.
Dr BOYLE: Yes sir.
Dr Boyle exits.
JACK: Not a good start is it sir?
BEN: Shut it Jack. Let’s carry on. (Refers to clipboard again) Another new face. Nurse Paris is it?
PARIS: That's me. Paris Moll sir.
BEN: Paris Moll. That's an unusual name. Do you have a middle name?
PARIS: Yes sir.
BEN: Which is? If you don’t mind me asking.
PARIS: No, I don’t mind you asking at all sir.
They stare at each other, both expecting the other to speak.
BEN: And your middle name is?
PARIS: Oh, yes sir. It’s Zeta.
BEN: Paris Zeta Moll.
PARIS: You’ve got it sir.
BEN: I’ll just call you Paris. Virgin cruise?
PARIS: I beg your pardon?
BEN: First time on board.
PARIS: Oh no sir. I’ve been on lots of cruise ships as a nurse, but this is my first job with this cruise company.
BEN: Well according to my notes here, you’re more than qualified to look after the passengers.
JACK: I bet she is.
BEN: Final warning Jack. You’ve already got a yellow card.
JACK: Sorry Ben. Sir.
PARIS: I would just like to say to all our fellow passengers that I hope you have a healthy journey, but if you are feeling unwell in any way, come and see me and I am sure I can get you feeling better in no time.
BEN: I bet you can. (As an aside) Thank you Paris. Now then. Allow me to introduce you to the 2 people that head up our Entertainments Team. Caroliner Moon our entertainments manager and assistant Poppy Field. The Happy Wanderer prides itself in top class entertainment with world class acts. What have we got in store this week Caroliner?
CAROLINER: Well, we're still putting finishing touches on some of the entertainment.
CAPT.: What do you mean finishing touches? You should be well rehearsed, up and running and ready to go by now.
CAROLINER: Yes well, as you know, we've had a few recruitment issues, but everything's under control isn't it Poppy?
POPPY: Well it would be if you’d sorted out the acting agency properly.
CAROLINER: Excuse me. You can't lay that one on me. You were supposed to make all the final arrangements. I gave you the job to do and you screwed up.
BEN: Ladies, ladies. I'm sure we can sort this out. Do we have an entertainments program? Yes or No?
BOTH: Yes/No. (One saying Yes, the other No)
BOTH: No/Yes. (One saying No, the other Yes)
CAPT.: I don't believe this.
BEN: Look I'm sure everything will be right on the night. We need to pull together. We are the Happy Wanderer remember. (Goes into the son) I love to go a wandering... yes well. (Looking at watch) Where's that Head Chef? Time's getting on here. Now then Who's left?
PENNY: Penny Sir. Penny Farthing. Bursar.
BEN: Yes, well you would be I suppose.
PENNY: If any of the passengers need any foreign currency exchanging, then please come and see me for a competitive rate.
POPPY: But we're only going to Blackpool.
PENNY: (to Poppy) I know that. I'm just saying. (To Passengers) I also make up the bills at the end of your cruise and arrange to take your payment.
BEN: Very Good, thank you.
PENNY: And if you require any cash to go ashore, I can arrange that as well. Saves time trying to find a cash machine.
POPPY: (making the point) But we're only going to Blackpool.
PENNY: I know - I'm just saying.
Chef Willy Boyle enters and joins the line-up. It is obvious it is the same actor with a change of clothing.
BEN: Yes, well thank you ladies. Ah, there you are. Glad you could join us. Feeling better, are we?
CHEF BOYLE: A bit better thanks.
BEN: So, the lottery winning Doctor Boyle is your twin Brother.
CHEF BOYLE: Correct.
BEN: Congratulations. A life changing amount of money.
CHEF BOYLE: For him maybe. I don't expect to see a penny out of it.
BEN: Yes well, Ladies & Gentlemen allow me to introduce you to our Head Chef Mr Boyle.
CHEF BOYLE: But you can call me Chef Willy.
JACK: Why?
CHEF BOYLE: I beg your pardon.
JACK: Why do we call you Chef Willy?
CHEF BOYLE: Because that’s my name young man. William Boyle, but my friends call me Willy, or Chef Willy.
JACK: So, we have a new Chef called Willy Boyle and his twin brother, the new Doctor, called Lance Boyle. Unbelievable.
CAPT.: Can we move things along Ben. Time is getting on.
BEN: Yes of course. (Approaches Chef Willy with clipboard) Now then, here is the latest food consignment that I took delivery of earlier. Extra meat stuff you ordered. Just needs your signature. I checked it all.
CHEF BOYLE: (signs with his left hand) No problem - there you go.
BEN: Good - well you had better go and get some rest. We need you fit and well as soon as possible. You are dismissed.
CHEF BOYLE: (starts to exit) Thank you.
BEN: Oh and tell your Twin Brother the Doctor that I want to see him again. Straight away.
CHEF BOYLE: (looking a bit uncomfortable at the thought) What, you mean straight away?
BEN: Yes, straight away. Now. You heard what the Captain said. We need to keep things moving. We have a schedule to keep.
CHEF BOYLE: Yes, I know but….
BEN: Now Chef if you don’t mind. And be quick about it.
CHEF BOYLE: Ok, Ok. (Looks to the passengers, shrugging his shoulders)
Chef Boyle exits.
BEN: Ok you lot. You are dismissed and get on with your duties, except you Caroliner and Poppy. I think the Captain will probably need to see you.
All exit except Caroliner & Poppy. They go to join the Captain & Ben.
CAPT.: Now then, I need you both to re-assure Ben & myself that the entertainment is all organised for tonight.
CAROLINER: Well it would be if smarty pants here had done as I asked and checked that the agency had secured enough people for us.
POPPY: Don't try and pin that on me. You knew we were struggling to get the team together, yet you did nothing to help sort it.
CAROLINER: I gave you clear instructions what to do. It just shows that you're not cut out for this job.
POPPY: You're not getting away with this. It's not my fault. Let's face it Caroliner you can't cut it anymore. You should be put out to pasture with the other old hags on this ship.
CAROLINER: (squaring up face to face with poppy) Why you little...
POPPY: You don't scare me. The Living Dead maybe.
BEN: Now then Ladies, that's enough. Am I to believe we have no entertainments program for tonight?
BOTH: Yes - and it's her fault.
CAPT.: Right, enough of this. I’m making an executive decision. It's about time we had a younger fresher approach to our entertainments team so I have decided with immediate effect Poppy here will be entertainments manager.
CAROLINER: Hang on a minute Captain. You can't do that to me. I'm under contract to head up the team for this cruise.
CAPT.: Well it looks like to me you've made a mess of it already and you can’t control your own staff. You can help the sound people.
CAROLINER: You've got to be joking. I'm not going anywhere near that lot. They're as useless as a chocolate fireguard. I'd rather watch paint dry.
OFF-STAGE: Oy you. I heard that.
CAPT.: Then watch paint dry you shall. That’s just the type of attitude we don’t want to see from our staff. Get out and stay out of my sight.
CAROLINER: You’re not going to do this to me. I have my rights. I'll talk to Head Office.
Caroliner storms off.
BEN: Captain McAvity. Phil. Don’t be too hasty. Caroliner may be not have been all to blame.
CAPT.: I've made my decision. Now it's up to you and Poppy to get some entertainment sorted for tonight.
BEN: But you heard what they said. We have no entertainers.
CAPT.: Then use your initiative and do something about it. That's what you're paid for. Now, I’m sure you have other duties to take care of as well? I’ll send Poppy to find you after we’ve finished our little chat.
BEN: (exiting) Very well. I’ll speak to you both later.
CAPT.: Now then Poppy. I am sure you will do a good job sorting things out. We need someone young like you to run things. Put your stamp on it. Appeal to the younger element of our cruises. And if you do a good job, I can be very generous.
POPPY: What do you mean Captain?
CAPT.: Come on Poppy. I've heard you want success, and you'll go to any lengths to get there. Let’s just see how far you want to go shall we?
POPPY: I've no idea what you've heard Captain, but I succeed on my own merits. And if you think there's strings attached to this job then I'm cutting them right now. You can stick your Managers job.
Poppy storms off and Dr Boyle enters.
CAPT.: That went well then!
Dr BOYLE: (approaching Capt.) I was erm, looking for Ben. He wanted to see me.
CAPT.: You've just missed him. I think he went looking for Caroliner. Have you seen your brother, the Chef? I need to go over the menus for tonight.
Dr BOYLE: (looking worried) Erm, No.
CAPT.: Well put a call out for me, will you?
Dr BOYLE: What now?
CAPT.: Yes now.
Dr BOYLE: Right now?
CAPT.: Yes, right now.
Dr BOYLE: You mean, right now this minute? (Still looking worried)
CAPT.: Doctor Boyle, you may have just won the lottery, but what bit of right now this minute do you not understand?
Dr BOYLE: But...
CAPT.: I am fast losing my patience with you. Get Chef here now.
Dr BOYLE: (exiting) Ok, Ok. (To passengers) He's very rude, isn't he? I don't think he'll last long on this cruise line.
Captain goes to one side to check some papers. Jack appears on deck followed by Penny, unaware that the Captain is within ear shot. Jack still has his spanner in hand.
PENNY: Jack. I need to talk to you.
JACK: What's up?
PENNY: There's going to be an audit on the petty cash soon, so I need that money back.
JACK: You'll have to wait a bit longer. I've had a bad run.
PENNY: But you promised. I can't wait any longer.
JACK: Like I said…
PENNY: I've put my job on the line for you Jack. Your gambling is getting out of hand.
CAPT.: (making himself known) Getting out of hand is it?
PENNY: Captain. Where did you come from?
CAPT.: The facts of life aren't important right now. I'm more interested in Jack's gambling habits and your unauthorized loan from petty cash. How much?
PENNY: It was nothing. Just a small temporary loan until...
CAPT.: At the risk of repeating myself - how much?
JACK: Three thousand.
CAPT.: A small temporary loan eh? So, what am I going to do with you two then?
PENNY: I can explain.
CAPT.: No need for explanations. It wasn't all that long ago you know, that people like you were thrown overboard. Maybe I won’t go as far as that but...
JACK: But what?
CAPT.: Well, there's two ways we can deal with this. One - I suspend the both of you without pay with immediate effect and put in a full report to Head Office. You will most likely be sacked and never get a job on any cruise ship ever again. Or…
PENNY: Or what?
CAPT.: Or maybe we can come to some arrangement.
JACK: What arrangement?
CAPT.: I could authorize the loan, getting you off the hook Penny, and you Jack, can pay me back direct from your wages over a period of time.
JACK: That sounds like a good deal Captain. What do you say Penny?
CAPT.: Oh, there is the small matter of interest of course. Let's say 200%?
BOTH: 200%?
CAPT.: Is that not enough? Let's call it 250% then. Wonga charges much more. I don't think your pay packet quite covers the monthly payments Jack, so you'll need help from your friend here. I'll get the forms prepared for you to sign the repayments over to me until everything, including the interest is paid in full.
Captain starts to walk down to the bar area.
PENNY: You can't get away with this. What are we going to live on?
CAPT.: You won't starve on a cruise ship. I'll make sure your job is safe for future cruises. Until you've both paid me of course. The alternative is.... well not nice even thinking about it is it?
JACK: You can't do this.
CAPT.: I think you’ll find that I can Jack.
JACK: (following Captain with spanner in hand) Now look here Captain.
CAPT.: I hope you’re not trying to threaten me Jack. That would never do. Oh, by the way I’ve been doing some checks on your CV.
JACK: What do you mean?
CAPT.: (waving his CV around) Your last job at Watlins Holiday Camp. Cutting corners with plumbing. Giving holiday makers lots of problems with flooding in their chalets.
JACK: That wasn't my fault. I had a budget to work to.
CAPT.: Oh, come now. Once could be a mistake maybe, twice careless, but 3 times? I think we've also been a little economical with the truth with your CV. Listing qualifications you haven’t got.
JACK: (backing off) You’ve got it all wrong Captain.
PENNY: Come on Jack. Let’s get out of here. We’ve got work to do.
CAPT.: Yes, you toddle off and busy yourselves.
Jack and Penny start to exit as Dr Boyle and Paris enters. Paris is holding a clipboard.
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